Winter break

     Huzzah! Finals are done, grades are coming in (all As so far), and I'm about to set off on winter break with family and friends on the east coast. In light of the next few weeks being a vacation, I've decided to put updates on hold until I get back, so that I can focus on relaxing and relationships instead of making sure updates get posted in time. So here's a quick post for the holidays, and I'll see you all when I get back, on January 14th!

     One of the things I've been working on this semester is self-acceptance. I have never been one to follow the crowd, but lately I've been doubting whether what I'm doing is the "right" thing to do. I'm in my thirties, in college, broke as heck, and facing the absolute unknown of graduation and entry into an extremely sluggish job market and economy. If you'd asked me 10 years ago- heck, even 5 years ago- where I'd be at this time in life, this would not be it.

FTP 36 - Ego vs learning

     Earlier this week, I finally finished my Russian paper. I was pretty proud of the fact hat I managed to get 5 pages of coherent Russian written, considering I've only been studying it for three years. Despite that sense of accomplishment, though, I knew that I should probably have a native speaker (or at least someone with more experience in the language) take a look at it before I turned it in. It's possible to make stupid mistakes in English when writing that much, and Word doesn't really have a good spellcheck for Russian, and zero grammar check.

     Feeling somewhat confident, I printed my paper out and took it in to dance class for Rita to look over. After class, she took out her glasses, sat down, and immediately said, "Hmmm, this first sentence isn't really how a Russian speaker would say it." Wow, ouch. Can't even get a first sentence right, and it didn't get any better after that. Over the course of the next hour and a half, during which we got thrown out so the teacher could shut the studio down, she proceeded to rip my poor little paper to shreds, most based on "that's not how a Russian speaker would say it."

Adages again

     Since I'm still working through the tail end of the French play that's eaten my entire week, and starting to focus on finals, this is going to be another short post. I'd wanted to draw these out, but they've been sitting around forever, and I haven't felt inspired, so you'll have to make do with non-hand-drawn pictures.

     Here's the next batch of modernized adages!

1) Don't count your checks before they're cashed.

FTP 35 - Word problems

     In an effort to retain some shreds of coherency, I'm taking today off of work and the one class that's right in the middle of the day. Instead of the usual chaos of this week, I instead finished a couple minor projects for French class, got caught up on homework for Russian, proofread the paper that's due tomorrow in lit/ culture class, cleaned the house, had a real meal, rescheduled everything for the next two weeks to make a little more sense, and generally got my affairs in order. Life is still chaotic, but at least it's controlled chaos at this point.

     In the midst of everything, however, life still goes on. Remember way back when, struggling with word problems in middle or high school? The most common question asked was "When will we ever use this in real life??" A little while ago, I got this from a friend:

So thank you, grade school math teachers. Believe it or not, you are appreciated, even if it's just by knitters and crocheters who don't want to throw away useful bits of yarn. Cheers!

The beginning of the end

     What? No, not the Mayan end of days thing. I'm still waiting patiently for my opportunity to be able to say I told you so on that one. The end I'm talking about is the semester. It's that time where that nice comfy schedule you've gotten used to blows up in your face. Teachers start asking for papers and projects, expecting you to remember stuff they told you 15 long weeks ago, and warning you about this massively weighted, three-hour test that's looming ahead in your schedule. Nights get longr, days get more hectic, you strt forgetting whats next in your dayy and your ealize that you're running on nothing but caffeinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

   
     Just kidding. I haven't yet pulled an all-nighter, and I refuse to. Procrastinator I may be, but I procrastinate to my 11th hour- that is, the last minute that I can do something and still get a good night's sleep afterwards. That said, this is a short post, because I've been working on memorizing lines for the musical this weekend, studying for a test on Tuesday, and trying desperately to keep some amount of fluency going in three different languages. Here's hoping the beginning of the end of the year is a good one for you. Only 27 days to go til 2013, and heavens knows I'm ready for 2012 to be over already. Cheers!

FTP 34 - Stir crazy

     Some people vent excess frustration by criticizing others. Some people do it by yelling or throwing a tantrum. Some do it by immersing themselves in music until they forget the outside world (and associated problems) exist. Some regain their calm with mediation, some by physical activity and exhaustion. I, apparently, do it with drawing, if I'm not in a position to be free with other expressions.

Ballpoint pen on a notepad, nothing fancy.

     What's your outlet? Is it a healthy one? Are you happy with it? If you can't indulge in your major method of blowing off steam, maybe try a smaller (quieter/ healthier) one, and do it a little more often. Can't hurt to try, right? 

Crunch time

     Going back to reality after time off is always difficult, and this coming week is proving to be no different than usual. On the positive side, there are only three weeks left of classes before the end of the semester, so crunch time won't be too bad. On the well, not-so-positive side, these three weeks are going to be somewhat difficult.

     For starters, the French pronunciation through song class that I'm auditing/ helping out in is gearing up for it's version of a final, which is a week of 5-hour evening rehearsals and then two nights of performances. Unfortunately, the rehearsals start at the same time my Russian class does, so I either need to beg out of the first two hours (thank goodness I just have a bit part), or go to the earlier Russian classes... which would then cut into the time I am scheduled to work. So already, right off the bat, scheduling chaos.

FTP 33 - Moderation and turkey

     With that said, I hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving, now I"m going to sleep off this food coma. Happy holidays!

Why languages?

     As both a linguistics major in college, and a speaker of three languages- ones in which I am reasonably fluent, anyhow, never mind the smatterings of others I've picked up- people often ask why I chose to study language. The answer is a complex one, and ironically contained within itself, but here goes an attempt on why I am fascinated by languages.

     1) Language and thought. There are a number of different theories on whether language forces thought patterns into a certain path, or if thought patterns are learned before language, and therefor forces linguistic style into a certain shape. Regardless of the chicken or the egg question here, there is clearly a connection between language and thought, and I am fascinated by how people who speak other languages- or even other dialects- can view the world differently. For example, studies show that people who speak languages that differentiate between perfective and imperfective verbs (i.e. verbs that imply an end points vs those that don't, such as 'completed' vs 'worked on') focus more on whether a task was finished or not rather than how long it may have taken. Little things like that permeate literally everything we say and think, and that, to me, is awesome.

Yes but, for how long?

     2) Langauge and culture. Different cultures hold different things to have more importance in life, leading them to lexicalize different concepts. Lexicalization is giving an entire concept a single word, rather than having to describe it each time. As cultures mix and merge, they borrow each other's lexicalizations, since there's no one word that is a direct translation. That's why, for example, we have to use "c'est la vie" to denote the necessity of just accepting that some things happen succinctly, and "schadenfreude" to point out when someone is taking joy from others' misfortunes. Those concepts were not important or recurring often enough as English developed to become words of their own, but to the French and Germans, respectively, they were. I love finding out backstories and etymologies to explain why things developed the way they did, and what the lives of earlier people were like that made those ideas so necessary.

FTP 32 - Forgiving yourself

     Something I have come to realize lately is how unequally I treat myself compared to how I treat my friends, my family, and even strangers. Maybe it's time to even that playing field a bit. 

Keeping busy

     I know it's a little early still, but I'm quite ready for 2012 to end (the year, not the world, thank you), so I've been starting my personal year in review already over the past few weeks. While I'm not sad that any of the year happened, it was definitely not one of the best years. Unfortunately, most of this can be blamed on no one other than me, and while I'm taking steps to ensure that next year will be better, there are still a few more weeks of this one to endure.

     In many, many ways, life is cyclical. A misjudged reaction to a given situation often nudges you too far into the opposite camp, and sets the wheels in motion for bouncing back and forth between extremes without finding balance. For example, spring semester this year was a little rough, and I was really looking forward to summer break. Despite the chaos of a month in Russia, however, I was extremely bored during the summer. As a result, when it came time to set up my schedule for fall semester, I overestimated how annoying a split schedule of work and classes would be, and have been struggling to not feel overwhelmed.

     The key to remember in this particular situation is that everyone has a different definition of "busy." For me, I like to be effectively active from 9-5, preferably, and then have the rest of the day to do whatever hobbies, crafts, or personal enrichment classes strike my fancy. If I don't have those 8 hours of productive (and that is the key word- productive) work, I don't feel like I'm really doing enough. Even if the rest of my time is crammed full of driving, classes, homework, volunteering, etc, I just won't feel like I've earned the right to consider myself "busy," regardless of how exhausted I am from everything else.

FTP 31 - Excuses or action

     Something to think about over the weekend:

     Which one are you? (Here's a hint, if you looked at this and said, "well but that's because...!" then it's the former.) Now the real question: which one do you want to be, and what are you willing to do to make it happen? Cheers!

Practical lessons

     One day while standing in line for an ATM, I heard a little boy who was standing with his father behind me lean over to the juniper bushes and say, "look dad! Blueberries!" His dad chuckled and replied, "No son, those aren't blueberries." The little boy repeated his discovery, and was again informed of his error. At a third insistence, however, the dad simply said, "alright. If they're blueberries, go ahead and have one." The son eagerly grabbed one, shoved it in his mouth, and promptly spat it back out again, complaining that those weren't blueberries! I was trying so hard not to laugh as the dad calmly responded, "I told you they weren't. Maybe next time you should listen!"

     While there are, no doubt, plenty of child activists and safety prevention groups that would have cheerfully taken this guy to task for "endangering the life of his child," I think that practical lessons are a surefire way to let new information really stick with someone (provided it's not truly life-threatening, as juniper berries are certainly not).

FTP 30 - Mental health day

     Before things get to this point:

     Consider taking one of these:

     Trust me, it's worth it. 

Photo from hiren.info

Being a Woman, part 2

     Despite many of the horrible things that women have to worry about (as outlined in the previous Monday's post), there are still a decent number of perks to being female as well. Naturally, not all of these are applicable at all times, but nonetheless, here are some of the good things that women get to enjoy:

     1) Having a chest. Far better outlined by Rampaige at BustyGirlComics, having a chest comes in pretty handy from time to time. Hugs are awesome, shoulders to cry on are wonderfully comforting, cops are occasionally more lenient (although this works much better if you are honest, forthright, and treat them with the respect they deserve as working professionals), you get doors held open for you- and therefor it's easier to find gentlemen with manners, and you occasionally get a little extra consideration in difficult situations. There are downfalls, to be sure, but I think it works out well in the end.

I'm sure my father (with three daughters) can relate...

     2) You get to dress up. No, I'm not even talking about the little black dress for evening parties. Even just putting on a costume or an outfit from a different era, women generally get more choices of things to wear, allowing you to be stern, frilly, silly, or respectable in any time period. We just need to nix the "sexy everything" costume habit that's arisen lately... I think it goes overboard, but then I"d rather put on a hoopskirt, corset, and full noble's gown than fishnets and a "sexy prisoner" outfit, so take it as you will.

FTP 29 - Self-reflection

     This is what I've been working on for the past few weeks. Slow-going, but worth it. 

Original photo by Luc Viatour.

Being a woman, part 1

     Every so often, I hate being a woman. No, not because of hormones or cycles or any of that stuff, but rather than I am still viewed by society as a victim in potentiality. What? Not so! Women in the US have more rights now than ever! The glass ceiling is gone, we can vote, we can run for office, we are full US citizens with the same rights as everyone else right? Well, I won't get into all of that, not only because a) it's not entirely true, nor does it cover all of the issues that women face, but mostly because b) that's not what I'm going for. Here's the angle I'm coming from, today:

     As a woman, even a tall, relatively fit woman, I am at a physiological disadvantage when it comes down to a physical alteration. Despite some basic knowledge of self-defense and a carry conceal permit, the chances of me winning if taken by surprise are pretty slim. From (minor) experiences I've had in the past, women aren't accustomed to being physically attacked, and our first reaction is shock. Yes it can be trained out, and yes I'd say the majority of people- men and women- would freeze, but our society has conditioned women to believe that we won't be physically manhandled (think the unspoken "don't hit a woman" rule), and we don't roughhouse enough to get used to it when we're young.

     What's worse is that people who are inclined to attack others (for whatever reason) know this; so, given the option of attacking a woman with the above disadvantages or a man who is more likely to be used to physical interaction and less likely to be laboring under a physiological handicap, which would you pick?

FTP 28 - Mistranslation and idioms

     For the last four-five weeks, we have been translating a 20-page Russian story called "The Return," written at the end of WWII, about (surprise surprise) a general coming home after the war. He is worried about how well he will adapt to civilian life after serving five years in a war, and rightfully so. Using the considerable number of resources at my disposal, I felt I had a pretty secure grasp on what was going on, but was getting more and more upset with the story as it progressed.

     By about page seven, he has returned home to find his children, now seven and eleven years old, barely remember him, his son has taken over command of the house, and his wife- as I read- was desperately happy to see him. For ten pages, they had conversation after conversation about how much she missed him, she was dead without him, please stay home now... and he was incredibly mean to her, calling her a liar, saying she made a laughingstock out of him, calling her names, etc. She had admitted to him that an older gentleman (who had lost his wife and children in the war) had been coming over to help with the children, but all they had done- as I read it- was hug, and she let him give her one kiss. Being as that the first seven pages had been the husband flirting with a young woman on the train ride home, and staying at her place instead of going to his own city, I thought that was pretty rich...

A still from the movie

SciFi lesson and attitude

     When I was younger, I read voraciously. For a variety of reasons, I didn't like hanging out with people too much, so I spent most of my time curled up in any available nook or cranny with a book. My mother encouraged us to read The Classics, to which I attribute a number of British spelling tendencies and odd sayings , but what really caught my attention was scifi and fantasy. I was constantly being warned that I would rot my brain out by reading "useless stuff," and that it was just an escape from the real world, but I feel like I learned a lot from reading such novels.

     One of the most important lessons I learned from books, I feel, was how to treat others. The Classics were very big on honor, nobility and ethics, something that would come in handy when I started working, but was a bit out of touch for modern-day kid/ early teen interactions. One day, as I was reading my way through the Xanth series by Piers Anthony, I came across a version of the Iterated Prisoners' Dilemma, and a simplified answer for it (since the book was aimed at young teens, after all.) Here is a brief summary:

     Two men are arrested, but the police do not have enough information for a conviction. The police separate the two men, and offer both the same deal: if one testifies against his partner (defects/betrays), and the other remains silent (cooperates with/assists his partner), the betrayer goes free and the one that remains silent gets a one-year sentence. If both remain silent, both are sentenced to only one month in jail on a minor charge. If each 'rats out' the other, each receives a three-month sentence. Each prisoner must choose either to betray or remain silent; the decision of each is kept secret from his partner. What should they do?

FTP 27 - Pity party

     Every now and then, when things seem to just pile up and you can't quite see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's okay to sit down and feel sorry for yourself. Really. Even highly accomplished people do it...

     ...just don't forget to pick yourself up and keep going once you're done.

Cleaning house

     This week is housecleaning week, which has come to also include cleaning up the computer! As such, here is a collection of random things that have caught my attention, and which I no longer feel it necessary to keep around.

A sign at a college football game:

Apparently someone had brought a marshmallow gun to a game once, and was shooting stale marshmallows at people. One managed to injure a guest so of course, rather than outlaw things like projectiles or weapon simulations, they went for marshmallows. Logical.

FTP 26 - Darkest before dawn

     Yes, it's always darkest before the dawn. Yes, it usually gets worse before it gets better. But who's to say that the point you're at isn't the darkest or the worst, and things are about to turn around?

     What's even better is that often, you can be the rooster that makes the sun rise, all you have to do is believe, have faith in yourself, and crow. 

Keeping busy

     Step 1: Identify the problem.

     Step 2: Identify what, if anything, you can do about it.
                     -If you can do something, go to step 3.
                     -If you truly, honestly, absolutely cannot do anything at all... really... go to step 4.

FTP 25 - Importance of attitude

     Despite the past couple weeks of general brooding, I finally had a couple revelations about why my mood has been so down. While I'm working on what to do about them, however, it's definitely time to get back to a system that I've been using for a while now in order to get my attitude out of the dumpster. While I'm not condoning ignoring emotions or putting a false front on things (sometimes a good wallow in self-pity is healthy, as long as it doesn't last too long!), I do my best to look for positive things to say, even if I don't feel happy at the time.

No really... I mean it...

     Even if you don't feel it right then, you will start a habit of looking for the good things in life, and you'd be amazed how many positives there are out there once you start looking. So, here's to tomorrow being a better day- enjoy the hope now, even if it never comes to pass. Cheers!

Unexpected backstory

    As I've mentioned before, I have a habit of befriending generations before me, primarily (I believe) because I was raised to be polite. I take time to listen to people, and let them know that I really do appreciate hearing their stories, because you never know what you're going to learn. To be sure, sometimes you learn that you don't really want to continue that acquaintance, but there are some pretty powerful stories hidden in very unlikely places.

     Recently, as I was going downstairs to switch my laundry over, I ran into a gentleman with whom I'd exchanged pleasantries a number of times; typically I'd be on my way to work or school and he'd be leaning on the railing by his door. He seemed a nice enough person, always smiling or finding something positive to say, and I'd figured he was retired and in a similar financial situation to me- I can't imagine that anyone would live in this complex who could afford better. Today, however, I saw him sitting on the bench in the center of the building, and he mentioned he hadn't seen me in a while, so I wandered over to chat with him.

FTP 24 - Beginner's gap

     This has not been the best of weeks for me, so I'm cheating and offering up someone else's words of wisdom for consideration today. This one has helped me a lot over the last few years:

Drawings will return, at some point, I promise. I'm just fighting my way through some other stuff at the moment. Cheers!

Upbeat

     I part-time work at a small tax office in Colorado, and while we do get our share of grumpy, annoyed clients, there are also a number of them that accept that what we do is a necessary evil, and decide not to take it out on us (which is very, very appreciated!). Every now and then, though, someone will come in with such a unique attitude that they really merit comment.

     Recently, a woman came in to pick up her personal and business taxes. Our office is laid out a bit awkwardly: customers have to come all the way to the front desk in order to see if I or my co-worker (who is really the front-line of the company, not me!) are at our desks and able to help them. Today, we heard the bell on the door ring, but before either my co-worker (whom we'll call Mary for the sake of this story) or I could look around the partition, the customer had already come over and was smiling at us. She told Mary why she was there, and they started chatting as Mary got her paperwork together. When they got to the point where we recommend the client checks their routing number for direct deposit of a refund, she mentioned she was going through a divorce, and asked if she should do that, or wait for a paper check.

FTP 23 - Results vs effort

     This is something I have to make myself remember a lot. Really, it does get better. Keep going...

Progress, perhaps

     Throughout the ages, it seems, people have always railed against the laziness and linguistic corruption of their younger generations, and deplored the horrible misspellings, grammatical errors, and sloppy depths that language had newly fallen to. George Orwell lamented in a 1946 article that the English language in his time had become slovenly and vague. In 1848, a renowned German linguist bemoaned the corruption of English, the "most ground-down" of all Germanic languages, and which was liable to sink into mono-syllabicy within the near future. Going back further, prescriptive linguists, politicians, educators, and philosophers have been off and on lamenting the degradation of English ever since it was officially declared a separate language from Middle English, sometime in the 15th century. If you're really curious, there's a good list here, and several other can be found by searching "decline of English throughout history," but there are far too many to name. Needless to say, it's not a new phenomenon.

     There are, of course, two schools of thought on this. On the one hand, yes, English language needs grammar and spelling rules... mostly to allow "educated" people to feel proud of their education and "proper" usage of the language. On the other hand, descriptive linguists argue- persuasively- that language is a living, evolving thing. All languages, they note, change over time, as new words are needed through technological advances, and old words fall out of common usage. English, with its penchant for borrowing from any other convenient language, tends to change faster than most, but it's certainly not alone.

FTP 22 - Age, comparatively

     Man, look at that kid over there. He looks so young, maybe just left home, maybe just joined the workforce. And he's complaining about being old?? No way. If only he knew what you've been through, what you have to deal with every day at your age. Makes you feel kinda... decrepit. Maybe you should just accept that you're old, start acting your age...

     Huh, look at that old guy, sitting over there. Bet he just heard you say you feel old. That look on his face though... that looks just like how you felt when you were looking at that kid. Like he's not really looking at you, he's looking at himself when he was your age, thinking about everything he's gone through since then. Betcha to him, you look like some young punk who doesn't appreciate what you've got...

     Well, do you?

     For every person younger than you who's saying they feel old, there's someone older than you who sees you as young and full of life. Go prove 'em right. 

A Hostess childhood

     When I was younger, we weren't really terribly well off. We didn't eat out a lot (which I appreciate, because we got delicious home-made meals instead), but every now and then, we'd stop off at the Wonder Bread Thrift Store, and mom would let us get one piece of junk food each. Without fail, I always went for the Hostess Cherry Pie, a mass of pure sugar-coated pastry full of preserved-cherry fruit squish. It was horribly unhealthy, chock full of calories, and absolutely delicious.

     As the economy grew in the 80s and 90s, the price of these sugar bombs never went up, a fact that- I'm sure- contributed to the company's declaring bankruptcy earlier in the year. Hostess is trying to stay in business during the proceedings, but I've noticed the junk food pastry section in the grocery store is dwindling week by week. For a decade and a half, I have virtuously walked past the alluring Hostess Pies, sitting in their primary-colored wax paper wrappings, and denied myself the temptation of scarfing one down, for old-times' sake. In that last few months, however, that hasn't been an issue, because they're simply not there, and it makes me sad. 

FTP 21 - Posture and attitude

     This week has not been among the best in my life, to be honest. My schedule has been all over the place, I've had twice as long as normal days, and I am so ready for the long weekend. As tired as I've been, though, and as much as I'd love to just tell the world to go fly a kite, one of the things that's kept me going is such a small thing as posture.

     I know, I know, you're tired of people telling you to sit up straight, blah blah blah. Before you blow it off though, consider this. In previous posts and drawings, my faceless, expressionless character has been able to say a lot just by how she stands:

If a simple drawing can express that much just by posture, imagine how much it affects you and your 3D, mentally complex outlook on life. The next time you're feeling grumpy, tired, sad, or depressed, consider how you're sitting or standing, I'm willing to bet it'll resemble the top pictures. Take a deep breath, work the kinks out of your shoulders and neck, and take a look at something above eye level. It's amazing what one little change can make in your day, go ahead and give it a try. Cheers!

Update on Monday

     In light of the fact that this morning's post wasn't terribly uplifting, here's a bit of an update with a better outlook on life. Today started out pretty crappily: my first class started at 9am, which is usually when I'm cooking breakfast. So 7am saw me up and being very, very unhappy (I don't sleep when I know I have to get up early, 'cause I'm so worried I'll sleep through the alarm that I never drift off). Out the door by 7:45 meant that I ran into all the morning traffic that I usually skip on the highway, and once I found a parking spot (a bright moment in the day, as I found a new, emptier, and easier place to park), I discovered that my bike tires were almost out of air. I rode in to class anyway, and sat through one of the most boring intros to a class ever.

This is brilliant, wish I could do it!

 
     One of the main points of going to Russia was to avoid taking a class here at CU that I felt didn't fit in my schedule, and was taught by a grad student I'd had previously as a TA who was afraid of me. The class in Russia turned out to not be what it said it was, but by then I'd signed up for an Intro to International Relations class, with the thought that it would help me relate to Russia and world affairs better. And I'm sure it would, if it weren't for the fact that the class is at 9 am, they're predicting a heavier-snowfall-than-usual winter, it is on the opposite side of campus from where all my other classes are, and it's a lower div class, so it's in a 500-person auditorium and deals only with generalities. I do much better in smaller classes where you can actually ask questions if you're confused.

Limbo

     This is just a short post, because having gotten back from Russia and in trying to get back into the swing of things, I've decided to tear my house apart and revamp everything. Add to that the fact that classes start today, and my schedule still isn't nailed down yet for school or for work, and I'm a little bit out of sorts. I mentioned to a friend of mine this past weekend that I felt like such a slacker because I'd been back for almost a complete week, and still didn't have everything caught up, finished, and in place. She wasn't terribly sympathetic, as (according to her) that's just me being a perfectionist again.

     So rather than posting a scatterbrained dissertation on a random topic, here's something to consider:

1. Despite Todd Akin's recent comments about "legitimate rape," he still has the support of 41% of voters in his area. (Think about that, 41% of the voters polled think there is such a thing a "legitimate rape" vs. "illegitimate rape." Sad.)
2. Women who are raped and choose to keep the child have no legal recourse in 31 states, should the rapist try to get visitation or custody rights;
3. Studies have shown that about 6% of men will admit to being a rapist- even being a repeat rapist- as long as the term "rape" isn't used. 
4. "Rape culture," a term coined in the 1970s, has only recently grown in usage, and the US is recognized as being a rape culture. 
5. Police and hospitals in America still treat rape as illegitimate, either by charging the victim for a rape test, denying rape tests if they think the victim knew the accused rapist, giving the victim incorrect information, refusing to enforce their own laws, flat-out not bothering to file a report, or pressuring the victim into recanting their story. 

Comforting, no? So much for America being a beacon of shining liberty. This is kinda a sore topic for me, but I'm not going to apologize. I kept my own silence too long, time to work with others to change that.

Edit: Also, take a look at the VP candidate's view on rape as a "method of conception." I'm sure that's not quite how he meant it, but he made darn sure to dance around the topic...

FTP 20 - Controlling the self

     Ok, I do believe we are back on track now. That is not to say that I have everything put away, caught up, organized and ready to go, but I've found enough breathing room where I can marshall my thoughts into something resembling order once more. With that in mind, here goes this week's FTP:

     A number of times during the last two months, people asked me, "don't you miss being home?" or, "aren't you tired of being on the road for this long?" If you had asked me even two years ago how I thought I'd handle being away from home for two months, I'd have told you I wouldn't deal with it well. I'm a fairly domestic person, I like having things the way I left them, and I like having my down time- alone and in silence.

Delays again!

     I know, I know, I've been really bad about posting updates the last few weeks. I am technically back in the states, but not really home yet. I've been busy meeting up with old friends and hanging out with family, so there's not been a need for updates; on the other hand, I haven't had terribly much downtime to plan out new post topics either, which is why things have been pretty quiet on the blogfront.

     I'm flying home this coming Monday, so I sincerely doubt there'll be a post up then, unless it's something along the lines of "what's wrong with airports these days, and what needs to be changed to return to a rational state of business." Lengthy title, but I may just have to do that one someday... Anyhow! Things should return to normal (i.e. Monday and Friday postings) as of this coming Friday, the 24th, with a return to FTPs. Until then, here's something to consider:

Readjusting

     Traveling to another country is always fraught with culture shock and differences, but it is expected and planned for. Coming back from other countries, however, can carry just as much adjustment as going to them, particularly if you don't immediately return to your home and routine. You have to readjust, not only to the fact that everyone speaks your native language now (so the nagging, subconscious mental command of "no english!" can finally be put to rest), but also to things that you've taken for granted in the past.

     In my case, coming back to the east coast instead of the midwest is as much of a culture shock as leaving the country. Even when traveling within the US, there is a huge variation in the attitudes, outlooks on life, and general behaviors between regions. Having been subjected to the general rudeness of Russians for the past month, I had come to cherish my memories of Colorado friendliness; it was therefor a bit of a shock to come back to the Baltimore/ DC area and realize that the people here are at least as rude, but now I can understand their language, and there's no excuse of "oh, it's another culture!"

World's fastest update!

     Not much to say, because I haven't really done much. Today consisted of sleeping until noon, getting up, making breakfast, and then reading til 3 (while walking in circles in the kitchen). One of my roommates and I went to the store then had lunch, after which I came back here and continued watching silly videos until now (7:30). I was lazy, English (and French) speaking only, and had a fantastic day. Sadly, the bad roommate just came home, but all-in-all, fabulous day. Three more til I can get the $%^#@^$!! out of here, woot!

Pollyanna

     As my father is (inordinately) fond of pointing out, there is nothing in life that you learn that does not come in handy at some point down the road. Yesterday was an excellent example of that, in a myriad of ways. Monday night was insanely hot, and I decided (at 3 am as I finally started to drift off to sleep) that I was only going to go in for the second half of Russian classes yesterday, if my sinuses had cleared up by then. They're not 100% healed, but I felt like I'd been a slacker for long enough, so off I went to school.

     Well, off to try to go to school anyway. When I reached the elevators, the button was already lit, but no one was around. Odd, since they're usually fairly fast. After a while, however, it became apparent that the elevators were simply not working, so I had to find stairs. Russia, of course, does not bother with such niceties as "Emergency Exit" signs or "Stairs are this way" placards or anything like that. I put my "let's keep trying things until something works" skills to use, and found the stairs after a bit of searching. You had to go through the room where you dump garbage, out onto the balcony behind the building, and back into the building on the other side of the balcony, through a door that looked like it had last been used back when the Romanovs were still in power.

Not creepy AT ALL...

48 hours

     Not two days ago, I had sat down to write a follow-up to Thursday's story of being sick. It was all about how I'd finally just faced the music, accepted that I was sick and took care of myself. I was very proud because I got tea, got aspirin and cough drops, and slept for like 20 hours straight. I wasn't happy about the fact that I was ill, but I was at least going to take care of myself.

     Today, however, I'm feeling both not as good, and yet better, after a mere 48 hours. Today was Navy Day- a celebration and remembrance of people who serve or have served in the Navy. We had heard that there was going to be a big parade to kick the day off, and then we could take tours of the boats, so Petra (my Croatian friend) and I got up at 9:30 and took the bus down to the river. We didn't see anything, though, so we walked across the bridge to the other side of the river, just in time to see them start breaking down grandstands and camera crews.

The Russian version of a news truck.

Not over yet.

     So apparently my downward spiral hasn't quite hit bottom yet. While the official days for the seminars are over, we still have Russian classes next week- not a huge deal, as they're only in the morning, so we get the afternoon to go explore. I woke up yesterday with a scratchy throat, however, and today has been an exercise in finding paper products once I burned through my pack o' faux kleenexes to try to contain my leaky nose. As of 10pm, I have sinus congestion, a headache, and if I try to talk, I start coughing. I suspect that tomorrow will be spent in bed, or walking in the house so I can get some exercise without coming back with a pocket full o' snotrags.

     Yes, I made that one, specifically for how I feel right now. I am beginning to suspect that one simply cannot have a good visit to Russia- it's not allowed. Despite trying put the best face I can on everything, I think I'm done. Can't wait to get home, or at least back to a country where they know what cleanliness and sanity are. 

Some people

     This morning, I was the only one in the apartment, as my roommates all had Russian classes in the morning. I did homework, made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, and wrote postcards to pass the morning, then got my stuff together and headed out. Oddly, however, I couldn't find a key. The situation is that you get one key per room, and the front door locks both on the inside and the outside- that is, you can't accidentally lock the door, but you can lock someone else out or in. I searched and searched for the key, but it was nowhere to be found.

     After silently thanking my two good roommates for not locking the door when they knew I was there (i.e., locking me in), I went downstairs, leaving the apartment empty and unlocked, and asked the front desk if they had my key. It turns out they did, so I was able to go back upstairs and lock it, then head back downstairs and go to school, but I was more than a little ticked off at the wasted time and possibility of being locked in. I texted the bad roommate- ms. motormouth from earlier posts- and told her that she is an adult, and shouldn't need me to tell her how to handle the key situation. I got no response, but when I ran into her at college later, this is what happened:

Low point

     I know that recent posts have not been particularly uplifting, and I apologize for that, but I'm hoping that today marks the low point of the trip, and that things start looking up from here. While today was not overtly horrible, a few salient points marked this being the nadir of my enthusiasm to be here.

     The day dawned, once again, cold, wet, and windy. I had managed to get to bed around midnight, but as usual, my roommate's alarm went off at 6:30 so she could get up and talk with her boyfriend... as if she hadn't done so until 11:30 at night, too. I squeezed in another hour's worth of drowsing, but since it gets light at 4:30am, sleep was elusive. After a long, damp bus ride to school, the room where class was held was overly warm, and I literally fell asleep with my eyes open a time or two.

A weekend off

     Since I still don't have internet in my block, I decided to go to the local Coffee House (literally Кофе Хаус for those of you who know the cyrillic alphabet) and test out the "free high speed internet" that everyone was talking about. I'd hoped that maybe things had improved since the last time I tried using free internet at the McDonald's back in 2010, but alas, it was not to be.

     While I will admit that the internet here allows for much faster loading of things like comics, Facebook, and email, trying to use Skype to talk to my family back home was nothing if not stressful. Even with the video shut down, there was horrific lag and random gaps in the transmission. While the 15 Mb limit that was present last time was not in effect, the provider did manage to shut down the connection every 15 minutes, instead, and make you click on their little "aren't we awesome for giving you free wifi?" ad that popped up in order to get back on. Add in the thump thump of bad Russian-voiceover American techno in the background, and I have to say, I'm not impressed.

     I did manage to make friends with the lone representative of Croatia in the program here, however, as she is the only other strong-minded, outspoken woman in the group. The two of us ended up going out for dinner on Saturday, and stayed out talking until 2 am (it's very hard to judge time when it looks like 4 in the afternoon until right before the sun sets, at 11:30 or so). She managed to put words to a couple things that have been bouncing around in the back of my head, even if they're not terribly complimentary.

Halfway mark

     I was writing in my journal today when I realized that I've hit the halfway point of my time here in Russia. As excited as I am to get back home and have access to things like tacos, a vacuum cleaner, a washer and dryer, and my own bed, I have to say that this trip has been amazing. I read back over what I'd written the first time I was here, and it was basically a litany of severe unhappiness in the face of an unknown and incomprehensible country. Here are a few brief comparisons of the major differences:

     Many of the people here ask about the last time I visited, and almost without fail, they say "I'm amazed you came back!" As my dad pointed out, however, far better that it be this way than that I had a great first trip and returned to have a miserable one. Here's to another great 2 weeks!

Lazy day

     This Wednesday, classes were cancelled for something called the CultFest/ CogFest here at St. Pete's. Apparently, it's a thing that the NY school puts on where anyone- from any country- can do a (five minute) presentation on whatever they've been researching for the past couple years. Since the topics that were proposed looked absolutely stultifying to me, I decided to take a day off instead. The day dawned grey and windy, so I slept in a little later than usual. The first five hours of my day were spent reading the Hunger Games trilogy, a series I do recommend, although I agree with critics that it doesn't really give a strong female lead character. Katniss pretty much just reacts to everything that happens to her, rather than actually planning out her life. Still, it's better than the Twilight or 50 Shades trilogies that we've been subjected to lately, so pick it up!

     Having been cooped up inside the house for so long, I decided to take a walk. It was my usual rambling, unguided, and informational walk that usually starts with "I wonder what's in this direction," and ends when I'm tired. Yesterday was no exception, and I got substantially more familiar with the area around our apartments. As usual, however, I got stopped and asked for directions, something that happens at least once a day, if not more. I'm not sure if people think I just look helpful or what, but it's a consistent thing in this country. At least now I know how to answer!

Weekend Pictures

     In apologies for this being put up late, here is a slightly over-the-top (and badly-filmed on an inexpensive camera) video of the opening ceremony at Peterhof Gardens. There are something like 300+ fountains in the entire park, and 100+ of them are in one location: the display directly in front of the castle. This is what we got up at 8am to try to catch; apparently the people in front of us had gotten up at 6 to be there at 8 so they could get front-row seats for the 10:30 commencement. It's pretty, but not enough to wake up at 6 am, in my opinion. Here goes!

     With that done, here are some pictures of the gardens, randomly selected from the twenty or so that I took throughout the day.

The Gulf of Finland- the only place I've been where the
clouds make me feel claustrophobic.

Quick Monday

     I'm mildly ashamed to say that I forgot the cable to connect my camera to my computer, so the pictures and video that I took yesterday at Peterhof will have to be delayed til tomorrow. The good news, though, is that I was able to get said pictures, and I don't have afternoon classes tomorrow, so I should have plenty of time to upload everything here... provided I don't forget to put it all on my computer first.

     Yesterday was wonderful- we did end up going to Peterhof gardens, and while it was overcast and windy, it wasn't actively raining. We managed to get going before 9am, and took the "ferry," a decently-sized hydrofoil taxi, arriving before they turned the fountains on for the day. There were people who had gotten there hours ahead of time, so we didn't have the best view, but I still managed to get some shots of the whole thing. We wandered around as a group (an activity I hate, because everyone has different ideas of how fast to walk and what's interesting) for a couple hours, then had lunch at the same place I went last time I was there. It was kinda neat, though, because this time I knew how to order in Russian and didn't have to wait for our shepherd/ translator.

Stock photo of a rare, clear day at Peterhof.

Weekend! (plus pictures)

     At last, at last, the weekend is here! Sadly, that means my time here is 1/4 done, but I still intend to make the best of it. We had a meeting this morning to sign yet another Russian document- we're all trusting Kirill (our Russian leader over here) to ensure that they're not selling off our firstborns or anything like that. Anyhow, that was at 11:30, lasting til about 12:30, and then we were free. I'm slightly ashamed to report that I slept until about 10:30, having gone to bed just after midnight. I don't know if it's the weight of the humid, denser air down here or all the walking we do, but I'm sleeping at least 9-10 hours every night. I'm one of the few who do, though, as most of my group is underage and delights in getting smashed at every opportunity, coming back home at about 2 or 3 am. To each their own, I'd rather be well-rested.
 
     Anyhow, decided to walk around down on Nevski Prospect- the incredibly wide street that runs almost the length of St. Pete's and has an amazing number of restaurants and shops. I went again to Dom Knigi and managed to find the kid's section this time, coming back with two books of fairy tales that I hope to be able to improve my reading skills on. Along the way, I ran into a display of Navy (as far as I can tell) vehicles that were parked on the huge walkways. For some amount of money, you could hold rifles and get your picture taken with two rather un-war-like females in skimpy dress, but I refrained.

Apologies

     It was brought to my attention that the casual mention on Wednesday of when I was raped was not something many of you were prepared for, and I apologize for that. I have been working and focussing on it for a number of months now, and have finally accepted it, so I didn't realize I hadn't let people in on what was going on. I tend to be fairly close-mouthed when it comes to personal stuff- it was not intended to make anyone feel left out.

     The short version is that I was raped, six years ago, by someone I'd known for a long time as a friend. He told me not to tell anyone and that it was my fault for "being too sexy," and like an idiot, I believed him. I guess the guilt got to him, because he then went and told his wife (and girlfriend... he was not what I'd call a moral person), and they believed it was my fault, and came after me. After much mental and emotional abuse, I finally cut all contact with him, and tried to forget it happened. I didn't tell anyone because, well, it was my fault, right? I know it's not now, but what can I say.

    I hid most of myself from everyone for years afterwards, and the few relationships I attempted went horribly, because I'd internalized his lies that all I was good for was sex. It wasn't until last year, when my sister Suzanne died that it all came back to me, and I started trying to accept it. I was still pretty bitter and closed-in, though, until a chance remark to a friend in WoW opened the door, and he hit me with some hard truths I needed to hear about not letting it hold me back. Maybe I felt it was safe to talk to him because he was only a friend on WoW, and if he considered me a whore and a victim, I could just stop talking to him- I wouldn't potentially lose a close friend or family member.

Schedule

     Finally have a (rough) schedule figured out for the time I'll be here. Language class is Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday mornings- let's hear it for sleeping in! My other classes- Russian "culture" class and one I'm sitting in on called Language, Music and the Mind- are M/W/F from 2pm til 6pm. I have one supplementary class Thursday afternoon from 2:30 - 3:30, but that's just background info on Russia (today we covered the election process and a rough overview of governmental structure). That leaves me a good amount of time where I can go exploring, listen to people talk, and work on some other things I want to do. There are whisperings of weekend trips, but aside from an optional Moscow trip, nothing is set in stone yet.

     I've already gotten a chance to head down to Dom Knigi (House of Books), which I've been waiting 2 years to get back to, and I got myself a pretty decent all-Russian dictionary. This morning on the bus to school, I wrote down random words that I saw and didn't know, so I suspect I may get lost in a dictionary hunt later tonight. Not everyone's cup of tea, but I'm looking forward to it! The atmosphere is so much more relaxed than the last time I was here, especially as my housemates are all stay-out-til-midnight type people, so I get lots of reading time. Now if only I could get the internet at home, I'd be able to research websites that our teachers give us, such as this one, written by an anti-corruption blogger activist out here. Can't complain though, I have plenty to do, and I managed to snag a newspaper today, so even more translation opportunities. Til next time!

Reflections

     Despite having come to Russia to study, well, Russian, I find that the attitude and cultural differences here are pushing me to do a fair bit of soul-searching and self-evaluation as well. Feeling disconnected from society at large has given me the space to really reflect on who I am, who I want to be, and how to reconcile the differences between the two. Don't get me wrong, I'm still soaking in the culture and language, but it's become almost a subconscious thing while I focus on other things (which I suppose is a good thing... I picked up the words and pronunciations of the announcement on the subway the last time I was here before I even knew what the words meant).

     As some of you may know, I was raped six years ago, and it has had a huge influence on my life. I denied it for a good long while, and when I finally admitted it, I hid behind it as a reason for not facing some of the more broken parts of me. A friend in WoW finally smacked me upside the head with some truths I needed to hear, and I've been working with both him and my amazing, accepting, and wonderfully supportive man to get past it. Having the space to work through the crap in my head is a welcome bonus, and I'm hoping to be both better at Russian and in a better place in my head when I get back. Unexpected bonus!

Tuesday update

      So it seems like connectivity and keeping in touch with you all will be much, much easier this time (thank goodness). It turns out that my apartment is one of the few who don't have a current internet connection, but it should be fixed within the next 2 weeks. Even if they don't, however, there is speedy and reliable connection at school, so there will be no vanishing into the ether this time. That also means that you'll be getting more, smaller updates, and probably fewer pictures, since I will mostly be at school or home, rather than gallivanting about the country, starving and cranky.

     Today was the first day of language class, but (because of course it wouldn't be Russia if there weren't some problem), they only had one room for all of us, so we were all together. Keep in mind we have people with everything from one year of Russian all the way through  fluent native speakers, so I wasn't sure how it would go. Thankfully, though, the class that I'm in is the largest, so the prof started going over cases, prefixed verbs of motion (which I still hate, but am getting better at) and a huge variety of vocab. For once, I was exactly where I needed to be, and everyone around me was confused. It turns out that the NY school focusses on reading and writing rather than oral skills (heh), and they were having a hard time keeping up at first.

     One of the other ladies in the group has just convinced me to hit up the shopping area, though, since it's only 2pm, so I'm off. More later!

Russia, post 1

     Hello to you all from very nearly the opposite side of the world! I'm going to preface this entire post by saying: this trip has, so far, been 100% better than the last one. There will doubtless be all kinds of comparisons to that trip, but I'll try to keep them limited. Not sure how much time I have before the next event happens, so I'll get as much down as possible, forgive the messy setup. I am now working off of someone's unsecured wireless router, so I'm gonna see if I can get some pictures up/ more sense made before they figure out how to add a password.

     To start with, the trip here was fine. I and one other person were at the airport before the counters opened up, so we got our seats and got in really fast. We were a bit nervous at first, because no one else  showed up until about 30 minutes before the flight, but we did eventually meet up and were assured we were on the right plane. The flight to Moscow was delayed a bit, and was incredibly uncomfortable, so I didn't get any sleep, choosing to read instead. When we landed in Moscow we had just made it to the baggage pickup area when we heard the last call for our connection flight to St. Petersburg. Fortunately, there were enough of us in the group that they held the flight for us, but it was not the comfortable, relaxed saunter through the airport that I usually go for. The flight to St. Pete's was uneventful, and we landed at 9:30 in the morning.

I was amused as heck that our plane was made by Rolls
Royce, apparently. 

Sunset from a plane flying about the 60th parallel.
Sunrise happened again in 3 hours.

Quick Update #2

     Good news! Just got an email from the Russian-end coordinator of the trip. Despite the last-miunte-ness of the contact, this is not the first year he's been in this position, so hopefully things will be reasonably smooth. The email was mostly just confirmation of stuff we've covered earlier (which I appreciate), but he did also mention that there will be a welcoming dinner when we arrive in St. Pete's- a positive sign that they intend to actually feed us on a regular basis.

     There was also a nice note that they will be showing us where the supermarkets on the island are, as well as local ATMs. They will be providing us with a map of the city (good, since mine from 2010 was used ragged), and metro cards. There will be a guided tour on the second day, after we've had a chance to recover from the 12+ hours of flight, and an optional trip to Moscow at the end of the month. Everything seems to be taken care of and planned ahead- here's hoping that things run smoothly!

     The only odd thing that came up is that the dorms are not actually on campus, as it were. While they are on the same island (thank goodness!), the university dorms are apparently a 30 minute bus ride away from the actual classrooms. I'm hoping that it's a reasonable walking distance as well (since the island isn 't all that big!), and I'll be able to get exercise on a daily basis. So far, though, things look pretty good. Tomorrow, Angel and I are heading up for NYC, and the day after, the adventure begins. Woot!

     In the meantime, here's a picture of my friend's little shih tzu that could quite make it on an entire walk with us. Fun, but he became a heavy lil bugger after a while.

Quick update #1

     The school in NY finally got around to sending out a sheet to sign up for the actual seminars in Russia. Yes, it seems like a little last-minute since we're leaving on Friday, but what can you do. Most of the classes available (that we've already signed up for on their school webpage) require two seminars, which are held in blocks of 2 hours, M/W/F. Naturally, the class that I'm signed up for that isn't Russian language only requires one seminar... and cultural excursions... and a research project to be done while we're over there. Sigh!

     So I'm really, really hoping that the excursions we do for this class are a) less involved, b) less frequent, and c) more apt to get us fed than the ones from the last time I was there. I'm not entirely sure what the research project entails, but I'm hoping that it's easy enough to work up and type out on a laptop. In Russia. We shall see.

     In other news, I'm having a fantastic time with Elf and Angel out here, although the scorching hot weather seems to have followed me out here, and it is 10 degrees hotter than they have predicted for the entire next week. If this happens in Russia, I'll consider selling myself out to areas threatened with severe winters... Anyhow, I'll check in again once I'm on the move and headed towards Russia. Enjoy!