It was brought to my attention that the casual mention on Wednesday of when I was raped was not something many of you were prepared for, and I apologize for that. I have been working and focussing on it for a number of months now, and have finally accepted it, so I didn't realize I hadn't let people in on what was going on. I tend to be fairly close-mouthed when it comes to personal stuff- it was not intended to make anyone feel left out.
The short version is that I was raped, six years ago, by someone I'd known for a long time as a friend. He told me not to tell anyone and that it was my fault for "being too sexy," and like an idiot, I believed him. I guess the guilt got to him, because he then went and told his wife (and girlfriend... he was not what I'd call a moral person), and they believed it was my fault, and came after me. After much mental and emotional abuse, I finally cut all contact with him, and tried to forget it happened. I didn't tell anyone because, well, it was my fault, right? I know it's not now, but what can I say.
I hid most of myself from everyone for years afterwards, and the few relationships I attempted went horribly, because I'd internalized his lies that all I was good for was sex. It wasn't until last year, when my sister Suzanne died that it all came back to me, and I started trying to accept it. I was still pretty bitter and closed-in, though, until a chance remark to a friend in WoW opened the door, and he hit me with some hard truths I needed to hear about not letting it hold me back. Maybe I felt it was safe to talk to him because he was only a friend on WoW, and if he considered me a whore and a victim, I could just stop talking to him- I wouldn't potentially lose a close friend or family member.
For those who know of it, that will help explain my relationship and marriage to my last ex. I had only just accepted that the rape happened, and when I told him, he treated it like it was nothing (no support either, mind you, just "oh ok" and the conversation moved on). I was so amazed that he didn't consider me a ruined person that I pretty much gave in to whatever he wanted, including the marriage. When my friends started pointing out how much of a controlling jerk he was, though, I pulled my head out of my tail and realized it wasn't a healthy relationship either, just one step up from the worst that I'd expected, and that I deserved more.
Again, I apologize if anyone feels they were left out or that I didn't trust them. The truth is the I didn't trust me, and I thought I was pretty worthless, despite putting up a front and focussing on things I was good at. My intention was not to hurt anyone, but to protect them from knowing how worthless I (thought I) was. I am getting past that though, and the feeling of disconnect from society out here helps. It was an irrational fear, but I felt, in America, that if I admitted it, people would know somehow, and judge me in the streets. The language and cultural barrier here, however, has given me space to realize how silly that is, and that I can relax the feeling of constantly being on guard against people knowing and labeling me as a victim (a word I hate).
I will admit to a bit of apprehension, though. I'm sure one of the (many) reasons why I left the east coast and moved to Colorado was to get away from the people who knew, and the chance of running into either the guy who did it or his friends again. As much as I'd love to think that I'd be a better person and just walk away, there is still a part of me that wants to make sure he can never do that to anyone else ever again. This probably means that I'll generally stay away from areas where I'd be likely to run into him, but I'm okay with that. Especially if it means not having to bail my friends out of jail for beating the tar out of him, as attractive as that sounds.
Ok, I think that's enough rambling. The long and short is that it happened, and I'm trying to undo the damage that came of it. Having you guys' support helps immensely, thank you. I did not expect that being buried in another country to have a positive effect on all of this, but I'm glad it did. Cheers!
The short version is that I was raped, six years ago, by someone I'd known for a long time as a friend. He told me not to tell anyone and that it was my fault for "being too sexy," and like an idiot, I believed him. I guess the guilt got to him, because he then went and told his wife (and girlfriend... he was not what I'd call a moral person), and they believed it was my fault, and came after me. After much mental and emotional abuse, I finally cut all contact with him, and tried to forget it happened. I didn't tell anyone because, well, it was my fault, right? I know it's not now, but what can I say.
I hid most of myself from everyone for years afterwards, and the few relationships I attempted went horribly, because I'd internalized his lies that all I was good for was sex. It wasn't until last year, when my sister Suzanne died that it all came back to me, and I started trying to accept it. I was still pretty bitter and closed-in, though, until a chance remark to a friend in WoW opened the door, and he hit me with some hard truths I needed to hear about not letting it hold me back. Maybe I felt it was safe to talk to him because he was only a friend on WoW, and if he considered me a whore and a victim, I could just stop talking to him- I wouldn't potentially lose a close friend or family member.
For those who know of it, that will help explain my relationship and marriage to my last ex. I had only just accepted that the rape happened, and when I told him, he treated it like it was nothing (no support either, mind you, just "oh ok" and the conversation moved on). I was so amazed that he didn't consider me a ruined person that I pretty much gave in to whatever he wanted, including the marriage. When my friends started pointing out how much of a controlling jerk he was, though, I pulled my head out of my tail and realized it wasn't a healthy relationship either, just one step up from the worst that I'd expected, and that I deserved more.
Again, I apologize if anyone feels they were left out or that I didn't trust them. The truth is the I didn't trust me, and I thought I was pretty worthless, despite putting up a front and focussing on things I was good at. My intention was not to hurt anyone, but to protect them from knowing how worthless I (thought I) was. I am getting past that though, and the feeling of disconnect from society out here helps. It was an irrational fear, but I felt, in America, that if I admitted it, people would know somehow, and judge me in the streets. The language and cultural barrier here, however, has given me space to realize how silly that is, and that I can relax the feeling of constantly being on guard against people knowing and labeling me as a victim (a word I hate).
I will admit to a bit of apprehension, though. I'm sure one of the (many) reasons why I left the east coast and moved to Colorado was to get away from the people who knew, and the chance of running into either the guy who did it or his friends again. As much as I'd love to think that I'd be a better person and just walk away, there is still a part of me that wants to make sure he can never do that to anyone else ever again. This probably means that I'll generally stay away from areas where I'd be likely to run into him, but I'm okay with that. Especially if it means not having to bail my friends out of jail for beating the tar out of him, as attractive as that sounds.
Ok, I think that's enough rambling. The long and short is that it happened, and I'm trying to undo the damage that came of it. Having you guys' support helps immensely, thank you. I did not expect that being buried in another country to have a positive effect on all of this, but I'm glad it did. Cheers!
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