#Metoo

     When the #Metoo hashtag started trending, I didn't copy it at first, for a couple reasons. Unfortunately, in bringing awareness to the problem, it's also brought my awareness back to my own experiences, which I thought I'd dealt with and put away. Perhaps those feelings of shame and anger and self-loathing - both immediately after it happened and years later, asking myself why I didn't stand up for myself at the time - will never really go away, I'll just be able to forget them from time to time.

     Anyway, one of the problems with talking about it, as someone who's experienced it, is the fear of reaction. I'm sure it's incomplete, but here are some possible responses:

• Disbelief: will they even believe me? 
• Dismissal: "That was just one instance." As if that makes it okay.
• Justification/ victim-blaming: "I'm sure there's more to it than you're saying - were you drunk, or wearing a short skirt? Were you flirting with him?"
• Avoidance: "Well, not all men do it, there are good men out there, too!" Agreed. But I had to deal with one of the bad ones, and nothing is being done to stop them.
• Pity: Being relegated to being "A Victim," and watching a friend/coworker/boss/whatever treat you differently because you're not a friend/coworker/employee - you're A Victim.

     The biggest thing that keeps me from saying anything, even today when the topic came up at work, is that I don't want the above reactions, but I'm honestly not sure what a positive reaction would be. A friend on facebook posted that his feed was flooded with the hashtag, and he didn't realize it was so pervasive; he didn't know what to say, so he put #ibelieveyou. Just reading that - words on a screen, that someone realized it's an issue and needs worked on - brought me to tears. Because someone believed. Because someone cared. Because things might actually change and fewer people will have to deal with it in the future. 

     Now imagine if someone said that in person, at work, and a coworker started crying. You'd look at them differently, wouldn't you? And that's with a positive response. See why we don't say anything?

Scaring myself

     For those of you who are familiar with the Meyers-Briggs test, I am an INTJ, though a number of the criteria are close to balanced. For those of you not familiar with it, that means I tend to be introverted, intuit things and see the big picture, value objectivity, and plan things well in advance. One of the habits of INTJs is that we tend to have only a few close friends, who are often INTJs themselves.  So it came as no surprise to me that, when I took a job that required making collection calls (phone communication being typically anathema to INTJ folk), the response was overwhelmingly along the lines of "Holy crap, WHY would you do that???"

     For what it's worth, I even asked the same question of myself, because I hate talking on the phone.  It's impossible to use or gauge reactions to nonverbal communication, such as body language, facial expressions, gestures, and the like. Instead you have to rely on tonal inflections, which are very easy to fake. There is also the problem of communication lag, or feedback, or bad connections, which make conversations awkward and halting, situations that INTJs typically avoid like the plague. Last but not least, you're talking to people you don't know (awkward), about fairly personal issues (money and medical history), and there's a good chance that, once they figure out who you are and why you're calling, they're going to hate your guts and be rude just to get rid of you. Why would someone choose to do that?

Job search, part 3 - Interviews

     I suspect that I am not alone when saying that interviews are stressful. You have a limited amount of time, sitting in a room with strangers, to explain how you work and how you can directly benefit them while trying not to sound like a braggart or a liar. While there is some prep work that you can (and definitely should) do, such as researching the company website and re-reading the job posting before you go so you know what, specifically, they're looking for, it's still being put on the spot.

     For the longest time, I approached interviews as one would an interrogation: prepared to answer any question, and slightly suspicious of ulterior motives help by those in charge. It wasn't until I moved out to Colorado and went to an interview while tired and jet-lagged that I realized I was doing myself a disservice by approaching it thusly. In that interview, I just acted like myself, said what crossed my mind, and actually took one of the interviewers to task for asking insulting questions in a snide tone of voice. I was later informed that he did that to everyone, and only people who stood up to him and didn't take his crap were hired. I don't think that's a particularly great way to conduct an interview, but it helped me realize I needed to change my view.

FTP 50 - One week to go

     In seven days, I will be on the road, with all of my worldly goods in a trailer behind me. The good news is that this week has been a substantial improvement over last week: I finished my Russian paper early, got the trailer situation sorted (mostly), have almost everything packed and sold, and have finally gotten confirmation that yes, we will have an apartment come the 10th.

     Does that stop me from occasionally wanting to run and hide in a corner, overwhelmed at all the changes going on in my life? Heck no. I'm pretty sure that if I live to 100, there will still be a part of me that wants to do that when faced with the unknown. However, I refuse to let that part be the one in charge. So, here's hoping things all work out! I've made all the preparations I can, time to jump and see where I land. Cheers!

FTP 32 - Forgiving yourself

     Something I have come to realize lately is how unequally I treat myself compared to how I treat my friends, my family, and even strangers. Maybe it's time to even that playing field a bit. 

Being a woman, part 1

     Every so often, I hate being a woman. No, not because of hormones or cycles or any of that stuff, but rather than I am still viewed by society as a victim in potentiality. What? Not so! Women in the US have more rights now than ever! The glass ceiling is gone, we can vote, we can run for office, we are full US citizens with the same rights as everyone else right? Well, I won't get into all of that, not only because a) it's not entirely true, nor does it cover all of the issues that women face, but mostly because b) that's not what I'm going for. Here's the angle I'm coming from, today:

     As a woman, even a tall, relatively fit woman, I am at a physiological disadvantage when it comes down to a physical alteration. Despite some basic knowledge of self-defense and a carry conceal permit, the chances of me winning if taken by surprise are pretty slim. From (minor) experiences I've had in the past, women aren't accustomed to being physically attacked, and our first reaction is shock. Yes it can be trained out, and yes I'd say the majority of people- men and women- would freeze, but our society has conditioned women to believe that we won't be physically manhandled (think the unspoken "don't hit a woman" rule), and we don't roughhouse enough to get used to it when we're young.

     What's worse is that people who are inclined to attack others (for whatever reason) know this; so, given the option of attacking a woman with the above disadvantages or a man who is more likely to be used to physical interaction and less likely to be laboring under a physiological handicap, which would you pick?