Perfectionism and 'thank you's

     Have you ever been around a perfectionist? Once of those people who have to have everything just so, and have to be always on top of things, always on time, always exactly the way the think it should be? While I do have perfectionist leanings (what, my GPA is 3.8??? Unacceptable!), I have learned to calm down a bit overall. Perfectionists are rarely happy, because the world is not exactly so, and there will always be conflicting ideas of what needs done. Perfectionism assumes a certain level of expectations. If you fall below them, you will be criticized; if you meet them (however ridiculously high they are), well, that's to be expected. There is no such thing as going above and beyond, because perfect is the limit, so do not act surprised when you are not complimented or thanked.

     One memory that sticks with me pretty clearly is one day when I was a child, probably 8 or 9 years old, I decided to help my mom out while she was out of the house. I knew she didn't really like vacuuming, but with three kids, two dogs and a cat in the house, it was a chore that needed done on a pretty regular basis. So I dragged the vacuum out, hooked it all together (this was before upright, single-piece vacuums were common), and managed to get all three levels of the house done before she made it home from whatever errands she had that day. I even remembered to clean it out, rinse out the basin, and put the vacuum away, and was feeling pretty proud of myself.

Loyalty vs selfishness

     One of the things I am really bad at in life is deciding when to call things quits. As I've noted before, I will give people second, third, fourth, and even 108th chances sometimes. The first guy I ever dated was with me for eight years; every year I'd re-evaluate how things were going and convince myself that while things weren't great, they were at least improving, and someday (that mysterious someday), it would all work out. What finally ended that relationship, even after he cheated on me multiple times and almost drove me to bankruptcy when I was 20, was him declaring his love for my sister (who wanted nothing to do with all this), suggesting the three of us live together forever, and then accusing me of not being supportive of him and his desires.

A revisitation on negativity

     Last night, as I was replying to a friends' post on Facebook, an unfortunate conversation happened with another person's replies, and left me in a kind of 'meh' mood. It's not that I'm feeling down or upset, per se, simply that it got me to thinking about this post that I'd done about people's attitudes and facing reality.

     To sum up what had happened on FB, the initial post was about the hope for Obama challenging an obstructionist Congress in the coming year. The first reply was a very polite one about the disappointment caused when the President signed the Defense Act of 2012 on New Year's Eve, which included a proviso for the government to seize anyone on suspicion of terrorism and hold them indefinitely without trial or due process. I'll admit, I'm not thrilled about it, but I decided it would only be fair to point out that it's not entirely Obama's fault, as that's the only version of the bill (which includes things like how to pay the military...) that cleared said obstructionist Congress, and perhaps more of the blame should be placed there.

Testosterone, utilitarianism, and estrogen

     As a brief interjection, Happy New Year's! Here's hoping that 2012 brings us better news than did 2011. That being said, on to the real thoughts of the week.

     Since I moved in to this place, almost a year ago, I haven't done much in the way of decorating, aside from hanging the few pictures that I had either brought with me when I moved away from my ex's place, or clocks that I had bought out of a chronic need to know what time it is. Moreover, since I'm living off of student loans and a recently-acquired part-time job, my budget for niceties has been, well, nonexistent. So I have the bare necessities for living, and that's about it. For a variety of reasons, however, I decided to get curtains for my bedroom this week, and that's when the trouble began.

Utilitarian, but pretty plain.

Keeping up perceptions.

      In high school, I hung out in the band hallway. I was by no means one of the "cool" kids. My friends were the geeks, the gamers, the band and drama nerds, and the occasional choir member as well. I loved them for their quirky ideals and willingness to let the things they were passionate about overcome the need to be 'cool.' I will admit, there was a certain amount of similarity in styles of dress- after all, there was only one place for people who liked to wear all black to get clothing back then- but for the most part, they weren't concerned with the latest style, or who was more popular, or who said what to whom, etc. All-in-all, I found it a fairly decent place to be.

     One thing that constantly blew my mind, however, was that my friends could not grasp the fact that appearances affect people's opinions about you. I'm not sure why this is, since I'm sure they were aiming for the "don't mess with me" look, but there you have it. So while they teased me about wearing "normal"

Who studies Russian?!

     Recently, a couple classmates and I were bemoaning our obviously insane idea to study Russian, and one of my friends came up with this opinion:

     I won't deny it, I laughed for a good long time after hearing that, but the next day I got to thinking... is it really true? Keep in mind I've studied my share of languages, whether on my own or through schooling,

Realists and unrealists

    In light of my previous post, I'd like to continue taking a look at "-ists" and "-isms" in regards to world views. Specifically, for the purpose of this post, realists. More specifically, how I think that real realists are far less prevalent than they seem to be at first glance. Now, I admit that before I solidified the opinions presented in the optimism post, I, too, considered myself a realist. I tried to take life as it came to me, good and bad, and keep my expectations in the realm of the probable. However, I noticed a disturbing trend that ultimately goaded me into reconsidering my stance on life.

     More and more, when I talk to someone about -isms, the conversation goes something like this:

Thought patterns and optimism.

     They (the infamous they) say that humans are linear thinkers. And for the most part, I agree. We do tend to start with a specific thought and follow it through to the end. Of course, there is always the possibility of a couple tangents in the middle, but for the most part, thoughts and communication follow a single line.

     However, you also get those days when it seems like there is so much stuff crammed into your head, that it's impossible to find a single starting point. Everything is so interconnected that, it seems, if you open your mouth, it will get stuck, like a crowd of people trying to jam through a single door. Everything tries to get out at once, so nothing gets anywhere. What's even worse is that this chaotic tangle is usually backed by some pretty strong emotions, be they happiness, depression, anger or what have you, and this just adds to the pressure and inability to get anything out.

 

Internal landscape

     As I'm sure you've noticed by now, most people in the world can be classified, more or less, into the categories of "neat" or "messy". Naturally, there are gradations within these categories, but in general, people have a tendency to lean towards one side or the other. I tend to fall on the neat side; I like to keep my house in fairly good order, because if I don't, I end up misplacing things and not finding them for a few days, weeks, or years.
     What I find interesting is that, many times, I will let things slide a little bit until something inside me says, "No, no more slacking, it's time to do something about this situation!" And it's not just that way about cleaning either. I'm sure everyone can think of a time where they saw something start to get a little off-kilter, and

Cranky day

   Today is one of those days. Not necessarily a day where nothing goes right, but rather a day where nothing feels right. You wake up in a grumpy mood, and just unconsciously decide to be contrary. Nothing is right, you don't want to do anything, everything is just slightly off. Not enough to anger, just enough to miff. Or possibly tick. Definitely something that ends with "you off".
    My day started with poor sleep and crummy dreams. In them, someone I know very well was being a jerk, and, despite there being no possible way it was their fault, I still woke up feeling very put out with them.

Wanting and having.

What is it about bad food that makes us want it so much? It's easy to point the finger at MSG (and believe me, I do) for making junk food so tasty, but i think there's a deeper issue here.

Since we are both currently unemployed/ out of school, my beau (I hate the word boyfriend, seriously...) and I spent the last two days together, just happy to hang out, talk, and do a little shopping. I know he's trying to do the low carb/ no carb thing, so I brought down sufficient eggs and bagels to see me through, and resigned myself to eating absolutely delicious, but bread-free meals. Don't get me wrong, I'm trying to cut down on "empty" carbs too- I now use wheat flour, whole grain crackers, and multi-grain bagels, and tried to cut superfluous sugar out of my daily diet as well, but I still have things stashed around the house should the craving hit too hard. After two days of having fruit for snacks, meat and fruit for dinner, the same plus rice for lunch, and my usual egg and bagel breakfast, however, I was seriously craving something.

Working and descriptions

True to form, I have been too productive, and my temp job is over early. The deadline for completing everything was the end of the month, and I got it done with a week and a half to spare. Now, to some people, this is silly. They would argue that I have shot myself in the foot- after all, I could have moved more slowly, taken my time, and made bank for another week and a half. To me, though, this attitude is ridiculous. I was stuck in a windowless office, pulling staples out of papers and feeding them into a scanner for 8 hours a day, and when I ran out of papers, I got to pull more boxes of papers out of the warehouse, and sort them by year, vendor, and then date. Why would I want to prolong this? For money? I'll take my happiness, thank you.

So here I am now, out of a job 10 days early. I'm not terribly worried about this though, for two reasons. One is that, due to living off student loans, I have become very frugal, and have made enough in the 5 weeks that I did work to support myself for the entire summer. Not extravagantly, mind you, but enough to pay all my bills

Random reflections

"Individuals aren't naturally paid-up members of the human race, except biologically. They need to be bounced around by the Brownian motion of society, which is a mechanism by which human beings constantly remind one another that they are... well... human beings." - Terry Pratchett

I'm realizing the importance of this, lately. When I was younger (and didn't date), I figured I could learn from other people's mistakes. While I do feel I learned a lot from watching my friends date, and break up, and do the same things again with someone else, I'm beginning to realize I missed out on a couple lessons.

So! Things I have learned lately:

1. I do not need to cherish my anger, and let it rule me. It was fine when I was a teenager, I'm past that now.
2. I do not need to doubt myself, second guess my choices, or look to anyone else to validate me. That being said, it is good to touch base with a good friend now and then, so they can tell you if you're being stupid.