Plans

I wish there were a way to communicate the feeling when the words stop. When the constant turmoil of seeing, comparing, judging, assessing, planning, and noting for later just fades away, and nothing matters but the moment. Plans were made to bring me to this place. Obstacles arose, were assessed, and were overcome – or the plan was modified – so I could keep moving forward. Deviations from the plan were noted and accounted for. Research finished, knowledge assimilated, tweaks and redesigns slid into place. After interminable hours, weeks, years of constantly herding a million aspects of a plan into place – distractible cats that move at different speeds, or can only get started after other cats are done – the papers are signed, the hubbub is done, everyone leaves, and I want becomes I am. 

It doesn’t last long. Sometimes it’s interrupted by glee: that an impossible plan actually worked. Sometimes it morphs into space for long-denied emotions, releasing pent-up tears or pain so that healing can start. Sometimes it becomes a re-ordering of reality, fitting the new piece into a foundation that will support larger plans, and the brain is off again, making lists of new research, assessments, and things to consider. But the memory of that moment, that beautiful, silent, balanced moment when struggle unfolds quietly into accomplishment, is worth everything that went into it. 

Luck and Hard Work

      "Oh, they just got lucky, they didn't earn that."

      "That person put a lot of hard work in, they deserve it!"

Personal two cents, the truth is often somewhere in between. 

Hiatus

     Due to schedule changes, rethinking things, and not liking to fall behind on schedule, I am going to take a (hopefully short) hiatus from posting while I work some things out. One way or another, there will be something posted by the beginning of August; here's a quick something to consider til then.

     I am one of those people who loves and hates schedules. On the one hand, I really need deadlines to motivate myself to do things, but on the other, after a while it starts feeling like a chore. Generally speaking, I try to step back and re-evaluate my life, my outlook on things, and what I've committed myself to about every 6 months. I realize, however, that I haven't done that in a while. First it was "gotta finish up the linguistics degree," then it became "gotta add Russian to the mix," then "just gotta finish Russian, make it through graduation," "no wait, gotta make it through the move," and now, I realize, it has become "gotta find a job!"

FTP 48 - Worn down

     Ran across this the other day on the internet, and it's sad how true it is, and how often it happens, not just on the internet.

Credit, I think.

Don't let the naysayers and jerks get you down. If you have an idea, do what you can to make it work. If you give it your best, and it doesn't quite fly, well, at least you tried. It's better than becoming another naysayer and shutting down someone else's creativity, and the more you work to make things happen, the more likely it is that at least one of them will!

FTP 38 - Chasing dreams

Since I was young, I knew I wanted to work with languages.

When I was let go from my job five years ago and decided to go back to school, I knew it was the first step to making those dreams come true.

When I sat in my first language class and realized how much I had to learn, I knew it wouldn't be easy, but hoped it would be worth it.

When it hit me that I only had one semester left before I would have to go out and prove myself, I won't lie, I panicked a little.

Be yourself

     I was recently going through some old documents I found from a decade or so ago and realized just how angry I was back then. At the time, I was with the first guy I ever dated- an eight-year mistake- and driving a tow truck in the Northern Virginia area. Much of what I wrote was concerning problems between my ex and I, but buried in the middle of a rather long rant, I came across this (cleaned up slightly from stream-of-consciousness rambling):

     I want to be refined, to put a classy spin on things, but just like being a female in the driving industry, it's hard to be classy when everyone around you is categorizing you and putting their own dreams and aspirations on you the moment they see you. I don't want to be an ideal, or a breakthrough in women's rights. I want to be able to do my job, and be treated like I'm trying to work, not like an object or a pioneer. It's almost worse with the women, because they see me and think, "Wow, that's someone who knows what she wants, and she didn't take any sh!t to go get it. I wish I could be like her." That's not how it was, though. I took sh!t- hell, I still do- for what I'm doing, but I'm not doing it for that. I'm doing it because I want to. That's it. There's a part of me that says "Hey, look, I'm just me, just an ordinary person. There's nothing I've done that anyone else couldn't do."

In Memory

     Last year, at about this time, my older sister died while leading a group of climbers down from the summit of Denali, in Alaska. At the memorial, my younger sister and I both declined the opportunity to talk about her in front of everyone, mostly due to emotions being way too high. Now that some time has passed, though, I'd like to share a few stories, because that's what I do. (And just a warning, these aren't all the "oh she was so wonderful" stories... this is a sister's perspective, good and bad!)

Me, Suz, and mom in Seattle

     Suz and I didn't really get along very well. We were only two years apart in age, and shared a lot of the same interests and hobbies when we were young, so it always felt like she didn't appreciate me tagging along, and I didn't like that everyone saw me in her shadow. Ultimately, we did talk this out, many years down the line, but suffice to say, we weren't on the best of terms while growing up. She was busy being the straight-A student, first flute in band, piccolo soloist in marching band, and setting the oldest daughter example. I was busy, well, playing with Morgana, our littlest sister, or reading, or ignoring homework, basically trying to figure myself out. Which, as I'm sure many of you can attest to, is difficult when everyone's asking, "why can't you be more like your older sister?"

FTP 5 - Transforming yourself

     I ran across a little quote the other day that said "live the life you've always imagined." While there is some usefulness in that phrase, I challenge you today to a slightly different version that comes in three steps.

1. Imagine the life you've lived. If you were lying on your deathbed right now, looking back over your life, what would you remember? How would you sum up your life?
2. Imagine the life you want to live. It's very important to do this realistically, too. Goals have to be challenging, certainly, but also within the realm of possibility, no matter how far-reaching. What do you want to have said of your life? 
3. Compare the two, and live the differences. You have to know where you're starting from in order to get where you're going. 

     So what about you do you want to change? Sometimes it even helps to start small- take the long way home to see the sights, take a walk instead of turning on the tv, smile at someone you don't know, etc. Yeah, it's not easy, but are you really living the life you want to? Only one person can change that...