Calm down

      When I was young, one of my life goals was to be a calm, wise, old-soul type person who didn't panic when things went haywire - just assessed the situation and dealt with it, unruffled. Since that was a tall order for someone who was excitable and prone to overreaction back then, I broke it down into smaller bits like "take a deep breath first, then react," "consider your options, then react," and "consider that the worst option probably isn't the most likely, then react." By never taking out the "then react" part, I avoided feeling like I was not being true to myself, and (with some amount of backsliding now and then, of course) just kept working on it.

     I don't know that I had a time frame for that goal per se, other than a vague sense of "before I'm old and retired and don't have energy to do things;" it was just a "someday" idea. To my surprise, I realized recently that I seem to have attained it without even noticing. Work has been a little rough this year, starting with changing positions and feeling like an utter newbie where I had been the go-to person on the team, to finding out one of my goals would be delayed for a few years due to a pre-req I'd overlooked, to finally getting into a very rarely offered training and then falling sick the week before (I masked up and went anyway, because it's that infrequent). Each time, though, I realized that the urge to get angry and rant and rave or seethe about the injustice of it all just... never arose. After literally decades of internal work, my reaction was more a sigh of acknowledging the situation wasn't what I wanted, and then looking at how I could make it work.

     It is weird changing your image of yourself. You know, that quick boxed summary of yourself that you give when meeting someone new that you'll probably be around a lot. I knew I had a temper when I was younger; I knew that if something pushed me over the edge, I'd run the gamut of loudly angry, quietly angry, then simmering resentment until something overrode it, so I'd include that in my self-intro. It wasn't until someone on my new team pointed out that they'd never seen or heard of me being angry (it's not a huge office, so gossip gets around) that I realized they were right; I wasn't that person anymore. And while it's cool to see how years of work has paid off, and I'm a generally happier person overall, it's weird knowing there's a different you that no longer exists. 

Encouragement

     There have been a couple points in life where I've been ready to give up, at least for a little bit, until someone comes in and believes in me while I can't. Those are incredibly empowering moments, and I've done my best to pay it forward by encouraging others around me. Sometimes, though, I wonder if I go over the top and shift from being helpful to too much to deal with right now.

*Edit: Since multiple people have mentioned it: no, this is not a sneaky comment about anyone in my life. I legitimately just wonder if other people think that about me sometimes. 

Scaring myself

     For those of you who are familiar with the Meyers-Briggs test, I am an INTJ, though a number of the criteria are close to balanced. For those of you not familiar with it, that means I tend to be introverted, intuit things and see the big picture, value objectivity, and plan things well in advance. One of the habits of INTJs is that we tend to have only a few close friends, who are often INTJs themselves.  So it came as no surprise to me that, when I took a job that required making collection calls (phone communication being typically anathema to INTJ folk), the response was overwhelmingly along the lines of "Holy crap, WHY would you do that???"

     For what it's worth, I even asked the same question of myself, because I hate talking on the phone.  It's impossible to use or gauge reactions to nonverbal communication, such as body language, facial expressions, gestures, and the like. Instead you have to rely on tonal inflections, which are very easy to fake. There is also the problem of communication lag, or feedback, or bad connections, which make conversations awkward and halting, situations that INTJs typically avoid like the plague. Last but not least, you're talking to people you don't know (awkward), about fairly personal issues (money and medical history), and there's a good chance that, once they figure out who you are and why you're calling, they're going to hate your guts and be rude just to get rid of you. Why would someone choose to do that?

A shift in ones point of view

     I recently interviewed for, and was accepted to, a new job,

Although

     I won't be starting until the new year (giving two weeks' notice),

This means that

     I know I will have solid income again soon,

Therefore

     I don't have to stress about money,

So

     I am able to appreciate what I do have right now,

As a result

     I can deal with the troubles I have to put up with for two more weeks.


     Funny how one little thing can change so much. Being stuck in a loop wears you down so slowly that you don't even realize it. Knowing that the loop is about to end, even if it hasn't happened yet, makes everything so much better. So here's to aiming for new things: it make take a while, but it'll be worth it in the end. 

Comparing yourself

     Have you ever noticed how some people tend to only compare themselves to the best of the best? You can look at something they do that looks fantastic, but when you say so, they just pass it off with a flip of their hand. Ever wonder why people do that? Here's why:

Okay, okay, there are also people out there who are fishing for compliments, playing the faux humility card, or just have low self-esteem, but... the people who honestly pass it off and move on to the next thing do it for motivation. Here's how people like that think:

Hiatus

     Due to schedule changes, rethinking things, and not liking to fall behind on schedule, I am going to take a (hopefully short) hiatus from posting while I work some things out. One way or another, there will be something posted by the beginning of August; here's a quick something to consider til then.

     I am one of those people who loves and hates schedules. On the one hand, I really need deadlines to motivate myself to do things, but on the other, after a while it starts feeling like a chore. Generally speaking, I try to step back and re-evaluate my life, my outlook on things, and what I've committed myself to about every 6 months. I realize, however, that I haven't done that in a while. First it was "gotta finish up the linguistics degree," then it became "gotta add Russian to the mix," then "just gotta finish Russian, make it through graduation," "no wait, gotta make it through the move," and now, I realize, it has become "gotta find a job!"

FTP 56 - Learning

And yet society has taught us, these days, that we should fear failure. There is a difference between striving for success, and being so wary of someone else finding out that we fail- an integral part of reaching successfulness- that you don't even try. 

Buck society, try new things, fall on your face, pick yourself up, and keep going. There is more shame in stagnation and backwardness (in my opinion) than in trying and failing until you make it happen. Cheers!

Job search, part 3 - Interviews

     I suspect that I am not alone when saying that interviews are stressful. You have a limited amount of time, sitting in a room with strangers, to explain how you work and how you can directly benefit them while trying not to sound like a braggart or a liar. While there is some prep work that you can (and definitely should) do, such as researching the company website and re-reading the job posting before you go so you know what, specifically, they're looking for, it's still being put on the spot.

     For the longest time, I approached interviews as one would an interrogation: prepared to answer any question, and slightly suspicious of ulterior motives help by those in charge. It wasn't until I moved out to Colorado and went to an interview while tired and jet-lagged that I realized I was doing myself a disservice by approaching it thusly. In that interview, I just acted like myself, said what crossed my mind, and actually took one of the interviewers to task for asking insulting questions in a snide tone of voice. I was later informed that he did that to everyone, and only people who stood up to him and didn't take his crap were hired. I don't think that's a particularly great way to conduct an interview, but it helped me realize I needed to change my view.

Job search, part 2.

     Last week, we talked about the frustration of finding jobs to apply for, given financial considerations and employer expectations. Regardless of what you are looking for, however- with the possible exception of an "I'm a millionaire and just need something to pass the time" situation- I think that having to look for a job at all is a rather depressing situation. Because let's face it, what you're trying to do is sell yourself and your past to someone who has a whole slew of people clamoring to do the same. And while you know that you're awesome, intelligent, and a much better choice for that position (you hope) than anyone else, they don't. For those of us who aren't natural-born salesmen, that's a problem.

     Despite my ability to describe other things fairly well (and the fact that I write a blog about myself on a regular basis...), I abhor the whole "talk yourself up" thing. Part of this is that I hold myself to some pretty high standards, but since I've done it for so long, what is "normal" to me (and therefor not worth mention) is worth mentioning to others. I've gotten compliments at various workplaces before about "Wow, you got that done well before it was expected!" or "Why did you admit to making a mistake? No one wanted to deal with the cleanup there?" and stuff like that. The thing is, those are just standard for me: doing things ahead of schedule- or on time at the latest- and owning up to your mistakes (so you can learn from them and help the people who were affected by them) are standards, baselines, ordinary things that are done everyday just because they're the right thing to do. But how do you get that across?

Job search, part 1

Recent checklist: 

     -Graduation? Done

     -Move? Done

     -Help out a friend (which I'd been promising for years)? Done

     -Settled into the new place? Done

     -Job? ....... well........

     There's something horribly depression about looking for a job, and it's not just that the current economy is pretty nasty. It seems like, no matter how many times you have to do it, and regardless of what new level of education/ experience/ skill set you have, job hunting is mentally and emotionally wearing. When I was younger, I figured that it was just due to lack of skills and experience, and it would get easier as I got older. Then before I went to college, I figured it was a lack of that pretty little paper saying you're horribly in debt (no, I'm not cynical at all), because the most random jobs were looking for it. Want to be an insurance agent? Need a diploma. Want to be a delivery person? Need a diploma. Want to wash elephant feet after parades? Need a diploma. Really? Wow.

Spring Break

     Spring break started, for me, this past Thursday. Given the usual irregularity of plane tickets, it turned out that leaving early would save me a couple hundred dollars in airfare, so I sacrificed a day or two of work in order to get the lower prices. The flight was bumpy as all get out, but at least it didn't snow, rain, hail, sleet, freeze, or otherwise get delayed. Sometimes, that's all you can ask for.

     The past few weeks have been pretty stressful with graduation looming over me. I try to be one of those people who plan ahead and are prepared for anything, so having an abrupt end to the entire way of life I'm used to is a bit unnerving. This weekend helped that no small bit, just by my gentleman and I being able to find an affordable place to live. It's not our dream place, of course, but since I don't have a job lined up yet (and therefor don't know where I'll have to commute to or what my income/ budget will be), we opted to err on the safe side. Still, it's a nice, open place that is roughly the square footage we were looking for, and in a gorgeous neighborhood with lots of walking/ biking paths, so no complaints!

Recognition

     The end of February was, in a word, awful. It was one of those times when all the little things go wrong, so there's no one thing to be mad at. Instead you're plagued with incidents like stubbing your toes, dropping papers, spilling food on yourself, inconvenient parking spaces, hitting every single red light possible, not sleeping well, being chronically late despite starting out early, all that sort of thing.

Yeah, one of THOSE times...

     The crowning point, for me, was the homework for my Russian Idioms class. On a rotating schedule, each student has to research that day's topic and give a powerpoint presentation on it. Usually, this consists of about half an hour of translating the appropriate section of the textbook, a bit of research online, and a quick construction of 5-6 slides that highlight the information and finish with a question or two. For some reason, I decided to check out my section earlier than usual, and was utterly baffled to realize that it consisted of a broad and extremely generalized overview of the European and Russian political, social, and philosophical arenas in the early 20th century, all of which culminated in three very expansive idioms. I emailed the prof, asking if he really wanted this entire overview, and he eventually replied with, "Yes, just give background for the idioms, you'll be fine."

Good days and bad days

Saturday:

• Did laundry (down 2 flights of stairs),
• Washed sheets (also 2 flights of stairs),
• Hand-washed my winter coat,
• Did the dishes,
• Cleaned out the fridge,
• Cleaned out the cabinets,
• Culled old clothes that no longer fit from the closet,
• Put stuff up on eBay,
• Wrote up a study guide for Russian Fairy Tales midterm,
• Watched Russian cartoons to expand vocab and listening comprehension,
• Read a (short) French book,

FTP 38 - Chasing dreams

Since I was young, I knew I wanted to work with languages.

When I was let go from my job five years ago and decided to go back to school, I knew it was the first step to making those dreams come true.

When I sat in my first language class and realized how much I had to learn, I knew it wouldn't be easy, but hoped it would be worth it.

When it hit me that I only had one semester left before I would have to go out and prove myself, I won't lie, I panicked a little.

Tipping points

     When I was in elementary school, I remember there being this huge push to get people to realize that littering wasn't cool. We had special speakers come to our classrooms and talk about how throwing your trash out the window of your car wasn't good for the environment (a word you rarely heard used back then), and that the government was making effort to increase the number of trash cans around. After a little bit, though, it wasn't enough to have trash bins around, and we were educated on how to use recycling bins. Everyone felt big and important because we were doing our part to help save the planet (also a new concept back then).

     I didn't really connect what was going on in school with the real world though, until one day I realized that something was wrong. I'd become accustomed to watching the trash on the side of the road while my parents drove, and seeing what interesting items I could identify out as we drive past. This was a pretty common sight back then:

It wasn't that people didn't see it, it had just been such an integral part of the scenery for so long that they forgot (or didn't care) that it was important. It was a fact of life: people threw trash out the window of their cars because that was more sanitary than keeping it within the vehicle, right?

FTP 37 - False motivation?

     Is a lie still a lie if the telling of it makes it true?

Now, I'm not talking about lying to get around things or get out of trouble, I'm talking about those little white lies that you tell people to motivate them to improve themselves. If someone is really struggling with a concept/ move/ routine/ whatever, and you say things such as, "I know you can do it!" or "You're really improving!" (even though they may have hit a plateau), or "I have faith in you!"

     Even if you don't really believe those things, if saying them makes the person more positive and self-motivated, and they do break out of a rut and start getting better, is it still a lie? Is it a white lie, in that it does no one any harm? Is it a justified lie, in that you got done what needed done with no negative consequences? Is it not even remotely a lie, because by saying it, it became true?

     Regardless of the answer, I'm still going to keep doing it, because helping others succeed is a wonderful goal. Every now and then, though, in the small hours of the night, I feel guilty for being not completely truthful...

Why languages?

     As both a linguistics major in college, and a speaker of three languages- ones in which I am reasonably fluent, anyhow, never mind the smatterings of others I've picked up- people often ask why I chose to study language. The answer is a complex one, and ironically contained within itself, but here goes an attempt on why I am fascinated by languages.

     1) Language and thought. There are a number of different theories on whether language forces thought patterns into a certain path, or if thought patterns are learned before language, and therefor forces linguistic style into a certain shape. Regardless of the chicken or the egg question here, there is clearly a connection between language and thought, and I am fascinated by how people who speak other languages- or even other dialects- can view the world differently. For example, studies show that people who speak languages that differentiate between perfective and imperfective verbs (i.e. verbs that imply an end points vs those that don't, such as 'completed' vs 'worked on') focus more on whether a task was finished or not rather than how long it may have taken. Little things like that permeate literally everything we say and think, and that, to me, is awesome.

Yes but, for how long?

     2) Langauge and culture. Different cultures hold different things to have more importance in life, leading them to lexicalize different concepts. Lexicalization is giving an entire concept a single word, rather than having to describe it each time. As cultures mix and merge, they borrow each other's lexicalizations, since there's no one word that is a direct translation. That's why, for example, we have to use "c'est la vie" to denote the necessity of just accepting that some things happen succinctly, and "schadenfreude" to point out when someone is taking joy from others' misfortunes. Those concepts were not important or recurring often enough as English developed to become words of their own, but to the French and Germans, respectively, they were. I love finding out backstories and etymologies to explain why things developed the way they did, and what the lives of earlier people were like that made those ideas so necessary.

FTP 32 - Forgiving yourself

     Something I have come to realize lately is how unequally I treat myself compared to how I treat my friends, my family, and even strangers. Maybe it's time to even that playing field a bit. 

Keeping busy

     I know it's a little early still, but I'm quite ready for 2012 to end (the year, not the world, thank you), so I've been starting my personal year in review already over the past few weeks. While I'm not sad that any of the year happened, it was definitely not one of the best years. Unfortunately, most of this can be blamed on no one other than me, and while I'm taking steps to ensure that next year will be better, there are still a few more weeks of this one to endure.

     In many, many ways, life is cyclical. A misjudged reaction to a given situation often nudges you too far into the opposite camp, and sets the wheels in motion for bouncing back and forth between extremes without finding balance. For example, spring semester this year was a little rough, and I was really looking forward to summer break. Despite the chaos of a month in Russia, however, I was extremely bored during the summer. As a result, when it came time to set up my schedule for fall semester, I overestimated how annoying a split schedule of work and classes would be, and have been struggling to not feel overwhelmed.

     The key to remember in this particular situation is that everyone has a different definition of "busy." For me, I like to be effectively active from 9-5, preferably, and then have the rest of the day to do whatever hobbies, crafts, or personal enrichment classes strike my fancy. If I don't have those 8 hours of productive (and that is the key word- productive) work, I don't feel like I'm really doing enough. Even if the rest of my time is crammed full of driving, classes, homework, volunteering, etc, I just won't feel like I've earned the right to consider myself "busy," regardless of how exhausted I am from everything else.

FTP 31 - Excuses or action

     Something to think about over the weekend:

     Which one are you? (Here's a hint, if you looked at this and said, "well but that's because...!" then it's the former.) Now the real question: which one do you want to be, and what are you willing to do to make it happen? Cheers!