Calm down

      When I was young, one of my life goals was to be a calm, wise, old-soul type person who didn't panic when things went haywire - just assessed the situation and dealt with it, unruffled. Since that was a tall order for someone who was excitable and prone to overreaction back then, I broke it down into smaller bits like "take a deep breath first, then react," "consider your options, then react," and "consider that the worst option probably isn't the most likely, then react." By never taking out the "then react" part, I avoided feeling like I was not being true to myself, and (with some amount of backsliding now and then, of course) just kept working on it.

     I don't know that I had a time frame for that goal per se, other than a vague sense of "before I'm old and retired and don't have energy to do things;" it was just a "someday" idea. To my surprise, I realized recently that I seem to have attained it without even noticing. Work has been a little rough this year, starting with changing positions and feeling like an utter newbie where I had been the go-to person on the team, to finding out one of my goals would be delayed for a few years due to a pre-req I'd overlooked, to finally getting into a very rarely offered training and then falling sick the week before (I masked up and went anyway, because it's that infrequent). Each time, though, I realized that the urge to get angry and rant and rave or seethe about the injustice of it all just... never arose. After literally decades of internal work, my reaction was more a sigh of acknowledging the situation wasn't what I wanted, and then looking at how I could make it work.

     It is weird changing your image of yourself. You know, that quick boxed summary of yourself that you give when meeting someone new that you'll probably be around a lot. I knew I had a temper when I was younger; I knew that if something pushed me over the edge, I'd run the gamut of loudly angry, quietly angry, then simmering resentment until something overrode it, so I'd include that in my self-intro. It wasn't until someone on my new team pointed out that they'd never seen or heard of me being angry (it's not a huge office, so gossip gets around) that I realized they were right; I wasn't that person anymore. And while it's cool to see how years of work has paid off, and I'm a generally happier person overall, it's weird knowing there's a different you that no longer exists. 

Taking stock

     Over the past couple years, I have officially tested my skills in both French and Russian, and got a good enough score to officially use them for work. Two years ago, I started Japanese, because it's a fascinating culture that's very different from the other two, and someday I'd like to go visit without being a rude tourist. I'm nowhere near as fluent in Japanese as in the other languages (33 years studying French and 12 studying Russian), but I can pick things up when I watch anime or read manga. Each language is pretty heavily compartmented in my head, though, so I don't think about the aggregate of my skills, I just think "Oh, I speak other languages, a common thing." (Ironically, the word language is one I constantly mistype and need to use autocorrect for.)

     Due to conflicting schedules, I ended up taking two separate Japanese classes for two weeks recently, thankfully in the same book, but on different chapters. Inevitably, that meant I dropped the ball on one of them, since I knew I'd re-do that chapter in the other class in a month or two. To my great surprise, I still managed to pull off a decent grade on the final exam, and I mentioned this to a friend who also speaks other languages. Their response, while supportively over-the-top, made me pause and reassess where I am. (The next part may sound like bragging, but it's truly me being surprised at how my life looks from the outside.)

     I speak, with varying degrees of skill, four languages. FOUR (I tend to forget English because everyone speaks it, right?). Four wildly different cultures, grammars, and lexicons. I recently met someone who speaks three languages fluently and I was blown away at the idea, yet never once turned that lens inward. Add to that the other hobbies I dabble in, and I see why someone recently said "Of course you know how to do that. Is there anything you don't do?" And while the answer is yes, quite a huge number of things, it's probably good to stop and give yourself credit for what you do do every now and then. 

Conventions and mindsets

     We made a bit of a last-minute decision to go to a local comic convention this weekend. For once, there was no stressing out about outfits, as we just wore the Star Wars cosplay that we put together for the previous con, so that was nice. We got in, met up with some friends, and wandered around taking in the scene and the others picked up some books and art. I'm not super into comics, but I had a good time seeing other cosplay ideas (I counted 85 Harley Quinns of varying eras and accuracies). On the way home, as my gentleman did his usual "Thank you for coming!" that I always get when going to stuff he likes, I started thinking about why I go... and why I don't mind.

     I am definitely not a type A personality, but I do tend to track a number of things in my head at any given time, including a schedule of where to be, when, and the consequences for being late; who's in my group, where they went, and whether they're enjoying themselves; and whether I and my group are blocking traffic, causing chaos, or otherwise being disruptive or not. 

While I still do a little bit of that at these cons, it feels like a lot of the pressure is off, because a) I'm not responsible for everyone being here, and thus, whether people are having a good time, and b) I'm not on a schedule, so I literally have nothing that needs done/checked/arrived by/ sorted/ what have you. I can just show up, enjoy, and head home when everything's done and people start getting tired. It's rather freeing, and quite enjoyable. So while I appreciate the thanks from the gentleman, it's also a nice little break for me, even if I don't get into the actual purpose of the con. 

London/Ireland trip, part 3

(continued from previous post)

     Ok, I promise this will be the last post on this trip! After leaving Killarney, we headed up to Galway, We checked out of the hotel a little late, because we wanted to soak up the peace and quiet as much as possible, so we pulled into Galway right around rush hour. The hotel was pretty decent,
although it had terrible wifi, and had an attached restaurant where, with a reservation, we became the least-well-dressed and youngest couple (by at least 20 years) to have a freaking delicious meal. Thankfully, we both overate horribly, because the waitstaff was not what I'd call speedy, so we had plenty of time to digest before the bill came and we went back to the room to pass out.

     The next day, we drove into oldtown Galway, parked by the water, and began to wander. Since we didn't really plan anything, this turned into somewhat of an adventure as we left the shopping district, found a train station, trespassed on abandoned private property to get a good view of the Bay, got rained on, and found a random cemetery. Knowing that my gentleman and I both appreciate quiet and old spaces, we decided to duck in, counting on the fact that it had a plaque near the front gate to indicate that it was, indeed, open to the public, and we weren't further trespassing.

Comparing yourself

     Have you ever noticed how some people tend to only compare themselves to the best of the best? You can look at something they do that looks fantastic, but when you say so, they just pass it off with a flip of their hand. Ever wonder why people do that? Here's why:

Okay, okay, there are also people out there who are fishing for compliments, playing the faux humility card, or just have low self-esteem, but... the people who honestly pass it off and move on to the next thing do it for motivation. Here's how people like that think:

Job search, part 3 - Interviews

     I suspect that I am not alone when saying that interviews are stressful. You have a limited amount of time, sitting in a room with strangers, to explain how you work and how you can directly benefit them while trying not to sound like a braggart or a liar. While there is some prep work that you can (and definitely should) do, such as researching the company website and re-reading the job posting before you go so you know what, specifically, they're looking for, it's still being put on the spot.

     For the longest time, I approached interviews as one would an interrogation: prepared to answer any question, and slightly suspicious of ulterior motives help by those in charge. It wasn't until I moved out to Colorado and went to an interview while tired and jet-lagged that I realized I was doing myself a disservice by approaching it thusly. In that interview, I just acted like myself, said what crossed my mind, and actually took one of the interviewers to task for asking insulting questions in a snide tone of voice. I was later informed that he did that to everyone, and only people who stood up to him and didn't take his crap were hired. I don't think that's a particularly great way to conduct an interview, but it helped me realize I needed to change my view.

FTP 52 - Attitudes on the road

     One of the (many) things that I wanted to keep a close eye on when I moved from the midwest to the east coast was my attitude while driving. Having learned to drive in the DC area, it was quite a shock to go out to Colorado and have people actually be nice and move aside to let me pass if they were going slowly. I took complete advantage of it for about a month, and then started thinking about how maybe- just maybe- if they were able to do it, maybe so could I. Slowly but surely, I became a calmer driver, slowed down (a bit), and realized that, if I drove better, I would arrive at my destination maybe a minute or two later, and in a lot better mood. Moving out here, I'm fighting to hang on to that and not revert to the "I'm important so to heck with you" attitude.

     One thing I noticed, however, is that a lot of the east coast attitude seems to hinge upon the desire to judge and improve those around you, rather than yourself. I could be wrong in this, but the message that I see when someone cuts in front of someone else and hits the breaks (if the road is otherwise clear) is that "you're driving slowly and holding people up, so I'm going to show you what it feels like." Or perhaps, "you pissed me off, so I'm going to piss you off." Not because it will actually improve anything- because let's face it, all that attitude is likely to do is continue a cycle of anger and aggression- but because of the first driver's desire to make the offending driver aware of a) first driver's existence, and b) first driver's presumed superiority.

     Along the lines of "wouldn't it be nice if we all just got along," I'd like to add my take on it: "wouldn't it be nice if we could all just concern ourselves first with improving ourselves, and only secondarily with judging and critiquing others." Wouldn't it?

Brilliant stupidity

     The past week had been quite busy, with applying for jobs, helping out friends, and buying, selling, and moving stuff around inside the house. It's slowly coming together, although there are still boxes here and there full of less important things that we'll get to... eventually. For the most part, however, things are where they ought to be, and we've been able to turn our attention to things we want, but don't have (but can still afford: sadly, a brand new yacht is not in the works just yet). As such, a trip to Ikea was made, and we got to break out the tools to set up new stuff.

     One of the things I have always wanted is a nice, big, sewing table. It's very annoying to try to lay out a seam for flat sewing when the wall is only 5" past the sewing machine, and the table you're working on is flexing under the weight and vibrations of said machine. Unfortunately, most heavy, solid tables are also ridiculously expensive, so when I found a series of choose-your-own table tops and legs at Ikea, I was thrilled that the large table tops were a) solid, b) cheap, and c) fairly lightweight still! For $26, I got a 60x30" table top, and four adjustable legs were a grand total of $14. Considering you can't find an adult-sized work desk for less than about $100, I was in heaven.

FTP 47 - Criticizing yourself

     This one took me a while to figure out, but once I did, the change was amazing. Go on, give it a try.

FTP 45 - Winning or not

     As we come up to St Pat's Day, the Irish dance community typically goes insane. There is so much to do, between booking shows, shuttling people around, getting routines down, learning new steps, making sure everyone knows what they need to do, etc etc. Not only that, but pretty much immediately after it's over, it's time to start preparing for feisanna (competitions) and class shows, so all semblance of calm goes out the window. Being a pretty snarky person, especially when I feel I've been unjustly snarked at to start with, I always try my hardest to remember this lesson in these days.

     And, of course, any other time of the year when other people are under a lot of stress and mistakenly choose to take it out on the undeserving. Sometimes, it's really just best to shush and walk away. Not always, but sometimes. The trick is knowing when...

Fickle popularity

     When I was in ninth grade, I was part of an after-school program called Dow Explorers (hosted, obviously, by the local Dow Chemicals plant). Once a month or so, a group of us would get together and do simple experiments or projects that tied in to math and science, presumably as a way to see if we were interested in working for said company. I didn't really pay much attention to that side of it, because what we got to do was absolutely fascinating to someone with a sense of exploration. One month we had to bring in water samples from our homes or nearby lakes, and we did various tests to see how much of what additives were in them. Another time we got to learn how the company made Styrofoam and tour the production facility. And one time, we got to make boats...

     One of the nearby towns had a yearly regatta-type thing, being situated on a rather large and fairly calm river. A month or two before it, the people in charge of our program asked us to bring a willing parent/ guardian in, and we split up into teams (kids vs elders) in order to design and build a raft- using only x amount of styrofoam and other materials- that we would then test by participating in the regatta. Naturally, none of us were expected to actually win it, it was more just a "let's give 'em something to do, while showing how invested we are in the community" type thing.

FTP 41 - Fairness to yourself

     When we're young, we're taught that you should be fair, share what you have with others, and try to be the better person. My parents, in particular, focussed on trying to get us to see the other person's point of view when we got in an argument. While this is, in theory, an admirable goal, there are times when it becomes rather a hindrance in life.

     Now, to start with, it takes a fair bit for me to get angry. Like long-term taking advantage of me, or being horrifically rude and never apologizing, or maliciously damaging my stuff. Outside of active ill-will, however, it's very hard for me to stay angry at someone, because my treacherous mind inevitably starts thinking, "well, look at it from their point of view. Do they have a reason for what they did? Is there logic behind their actions?" And, being the nice person I am, I convince myself that yes, they had a reason to do what they did, and then feel guilty about being angry.

A reused picture appears! It's still effective!

Tipping points

     When I was in elementary school, I remember there being this huge push to get people to realize that littering wasn't cool. We had special speakers come to our classrooms and talk about how throwing your trash out the window of your car wasn't good for the environment (a word you rarely heard used back then), and that the government was making effort to increase the number of trash cans around. After a little bit, though, it wasn't enough to have trash bins around, and we were educated on how to use recycling bins. Everyone felt big and important because we were doing our part to help save the planet (also a new concept back then).

     I didn't really connect what was going on in school with the real world though, until one day I realized that something was wrong. I'd become accustomed to watching the trash on the side of the road while my parents drove, and seeing what interesting items I could identify out as we drive past. This was a pretty common sight back then:

It wasn't that people didn't see it, it had just been such an integral part of the scenery for so long that they forgot (or didn't care) that it was important. It was a fact of life: people threw trash out the window of their cars because that was more sanitary than keeping it within the vehicle, right?

Why languages?

     As both a linguistics major in college, and a speaker of three languages- ones in which I am reasonably fluent, anyhow, never mind the smatterings of others I've picked up- people often ask why I chose to study language. The answer is a complex one, and ironically contained within itself, but here goes an attempt on why I am fascinated by languages.

     1) Language and thought. There are a number of different theories on whether language forces thought patterns into a certain path, or if thought patterns are learned before language, and therefor forces linguistic style into a certain shape. Regardless of the chicken or the egg question here, there is clearly a connection between language and thought, and I am fascinated by how people who speak other languages- or even other dialects- can view the world differently. For example, studies show that people who speak languages that differentiate between perfective and imperfective verbs (i.e. verbs that imply an end points vs those that don't, such as 'completed' vs 'worked on') focus more on whether a task was finished or not rather than how long it may have taken. Little things like that permeate literally everything we say and think, and that, to me, is awesome.

Yes but, for how long?

     2) Langauge and culture. Different cultures hold different things to have more importance in life, leading them to lexicalize different concepts. Lexicalization is giving an entire concept a single word, rather than having to describe it each time. As cultures mix and merge, they borrow each other's lexicalizations, since there's no one word that is a direct translation. That's why, for example, we have to use "c'est la vie" to denote the necessity of just accepting that some things happen succinctly, and "schadenfreude" to point out when someone is taking joy from others' misfortunes. Those concepts were not important or recurring often enough as English developed to become words of their own, but to the French and Germans, respectively, they were. I love finding out backstories and etymologies to explain why things developed the way they did, and what the lives of earlier people were like that made those ideas so necessary.

Practical lessons

     One day while standing in line for an ATM, I heard a little boy who was standing with his father behind me lean over to the juniper bushes and say, "look dad! Blueberries!" His dad chuckled and replied, "No son, those aren't blueberries." The little boy repeated his discovery, and was again informed of his error. At a third insistence, however, the dad simply said, "alright. If they're blueberries, go ahead and have one." The son eagerly grabbed one, shoved it in his mouth, and promptly spat it back out again, complaining that those weren't blueberries! I was trying so hard not to laugh as the dad calmly responded, "I told you they weren't. Maybe next time you should listen!"

     While there are, no doubt, plenty of child activists and safety prevention groups that would have cheerfully taken this guy to task for "endangering the life of his child," I think that practical lessons are a surefire way to let new information really stick with someone (provided it's not truly life-threatening, as juniper berries are certainly not).

SciFi lesson and attitude

     When I was younger, I read voraciously. For a variety of reasons, I didn't like hanging out with people too much, so I spent most of my time curled up in any available nook or cranny with a book. My mother encouraged us to read The Classics, to which I attribute a number of British spelling tendencies and odd sayings , but what really caught my attention was scifi and fantasy. I was constantly being warned that I would rot my brain out by reading "useless stuff," and that it was just an escape from the real world, but I feel like I learned a lot from reading such novels.

     One of the most important lessons I learned from books, I feel, was how to treat others. The Classics were very big on honor, nobility and ethics, something that would come in handy when I started working, but was a bit out of touch for modern-day kid/ early teen interactions. One day, as I was reading my way through the Xanth series by Piers Anthony, I came across a version of the Iterated Prisoners' Dilemma, and a simplified answer for it (since the book was aimed at young teens, after all.) Here is a brief summary:

     Two men are arrested, but the police do not have enough information for a conviction. The police separate the two men, and offer both the same deal: if one testifies against his partner (defects/betrays), and the other remains silent (cooperates with/assists his partner), the betrayer goes free and the one that remains silent gets a one-year sentence. If both remain silent, both are sentenced to only one month in jail on a minor charge. If each 'rats out' the other, each receives a three-month sentence. Each prisoner must choose either to betray or remain silent; the decision of each is kept secret from his partner. What should they do?

Reflections

     Despite having come to Russia to study, well, Russian, I find that the attitude and cultural differences here are pushing me to do a fair bit of soul-searching and self-evaluation as well. Feeling disconnected from society at large has given me the space to really reflect on who I am, who I want to be, and how to reconcile the differences between the two. Don't get me wrong, I'm still soaking in the culture and language, but it's become almost a subconscious thing while I focus on other things (which I suppose is a good thing... I picked up the words and pronunciations of the announcement on the subway the last time I was here before I even knew what the words meant).

     As some of you may know, I was raped six years ago, and it has had a huge influence on my life. I denied it for a good long while, and when I finally admitted it, I hid behind it as a reason for not facing some of the more broken parts of me. A friend in WoW finally smacked me upside the head with some truths I needed to hear, and I've been working with both him and my amazing, accepting, and wonderfully supportive man to get past it. Having the space to work through the crap in my head is a welcome bonus, and I'm hoping to be both better at Russian and in a better place in my head when I get back. Unexpected bonus!

Attitude, part 1

     Despite the fact that many people have said that they look to me for inspiration on being upbeat, open, and positive in life, if you look back at my past, you'll discover that it's actually relatively recent that this attitude has come to pass. When I graduated high school and joined the work force, I was depressed and angry about life (as are most teenagers), and when I moved out to Colorado six years ago, I was highly mistrustful, hurt, and still pretty angry at the world.

Yeah no, I was just antisocial.

     My first couple roommates out here didn't really give me any motivation to change my attitude, and I remained withdrawn and quiet. When I started my first job out here, as an IT support person, I found myself around other nerds, so the pressure to be social wasn't so bad. I found out I had things in common with some of them, and was, at the least, cordial with co-workers within my own department. A couple months after I'd been working there, they hired another strange, nerdy-type person named Sarah as a technical writer, and she and I struck up a friendship. We would go on walks during lunch and actually (gasp!) talk about our personal lives, rather than just work or public topics.

Friday Thought to Ponder (FTP1)

     While not a full-on post, here's a little something I thought about this week. In today's world of finger pointing and blame games, has this ever occurred to you?

     They say that an epiphany, once had, cannot be forgotten. The question is, what are you going to do about it? Just something to consider. Cheers!

Making plans

     One of the things that I have seen crop up again and again in life is a correlation between how excited I get about something new and the success or failure of achieving it. When I get super excited about, say, a new job or opportunity, I will talk it up to everyone I know, live every moment of the day with this new thing in mind, and inevitably be crushed when it doesn't come true or doesn't live up to my inflated dreams. On the other hand, if I simply acknowledge the possibility of said new potential and continue living my life as if it is simply a part of of me already, it inevitably comes true and rarely disappoints. But why the difference? Why, given things like The Secret or Oprah telling us that positive thinking makes good things happen, would the level of enthusiasm around something cause it to crash?

Problem is, the shadows are still there...