As I was sitting down today for my usual battle of wits against various homeworks and suchlike, I reflected briefly on my confidence in myself. Overall, I'd say I'm a fairly self-assured person, hopefully without tipping the scales too far and becoming an egotistical jerk. Most of my teachers assure me that I am making progress, and am a pretty good student. Moreover, I have a pretty high GPA (not that that's always an entirely accurate judge of progress, but it does help now and then), and do decently on tests, quizzes and papers presented to me. Thus I can safely say that, on a graph of confidence in my skills over time, most outsiders' opinion of me would be as below:
It seems to be a fairly solid, slightly upwardly mobile line. And I think that most of us view competent people in this light, be they friends, co-workers, or anyone else with whom you come into contact on a regular basis.
When it comes to a new topic that I'm learning, however, my happiness, confidence, and self-assurredness quickly descend into the realms of mental psychosis. If I feel I'm grasping a concept or list of new words, I'm pretty darn close to manic-ly (not maniacally, mind you) happy. I have confidence in myself, I know I can do it, this is gonna be cake, etc. Then comes the time I have to prove that I know it, whether to myself, a computer program, or another person.
I will sweat and slave over a simple two-paragraph email, doing my best to ensure that I cram every last bit of new knowledge into it. I will reread it over and over again, despairing of my ability to perfect everything possible, doubting myself on the most minute example of grammar, punctuation or spelling. I will research a phrase, discover I was right, and soar up to undreamt-of (at least by most people who aren't tv or movie stars) heights of self-confidence. Two minutes later, I will walk away in a black depression over my inability to sit down and pen wonderful prose in a language I've studied for only 2 years. Ridiculous, I know, but there it is:
No matter what subject I'm studying, whether for a real class or job, or for my own personal edification, I follow this pattern every time. Is it a result of being or having been a perfectionist? Possibly. Is it a way to break up the monotony of studying, subconsciously channeling energy into melodrama and fits of near-godly belief in myself? Again, possibly. I'm not admitting to anything just yet, but I will say, I'm incredibly glad I live alone, and don't have to bother anyone else with these mood swings. Far better to get them out of my system when alone, and then be able to present a calm and unruffled visage to the rest of the world.
They aren't coming to take me away, thank you very much. Cheers!
It seems to be a fairly solid, slightly upwardly mobile line. And I think that most of us view competent people in this light, be they friends, co-workers, or anyone else with whom you come into contact on a regular basis.
When it comes to a new topic that I'm learning, however, my happiness, confidence, and self-assurredness quickly descend into the realms of mental psychosis. If I feel I'm grasping a concept or list of new words, I'm pretty darn close to manic-ly (not maniacally, mind you) happy. I have confidence in myself, I know I can do it, this is gonna be cake, etc. Then comes the time I have to prove that I know it, whether to myself, a computer program, or another person.
I will sweat and slave over a simple two-paragraph email, doing my best to ensure that I cram every last bit of new knowledge into it. I will reread it over and over again, despairing of my ability to perfect everything possible, doubting myself on the most minute example of grammar, punctuation or spelling. I will research a phrase, discover I was right, and soar up to undreamt-of (at least by most people who aren't tv or movie stars) heights of self-confidence. Two minutes later, I will walk away in a black depression over my inability to sit down and pen wonderful prose in a language I've studied for only 2 years. Ridiculous, I know, but there it is:
No matter what subject I'm studying, whether for a real class or job, or for my own personal edification, I follow this pattern every time. Is it a result of being or having been a perfectionist? Possibly. Is it a way to break up the monotony of studying, subconsciously channeling energy into melodrama and fits of near-godly belief in myself? Again, possibly. I'm not admitting to anything just yet, but I will say, I'm incredibly glad I live alone, and don't have to bother anyone else with these mood swings. Far better to get them out of my system when alone, and then be able to present a calm and unruffled visage to the rest of the world.
They aren't coming to take me away, thank you very much. Cheers!
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