Have you ever been around a perfectionist? Once of those people who have to have everything just so, and have to be always on top of things, always on time, always exactly the way the think it should be? While I do have perfectionist leanings (what, my GPA is 3.8??? Unacceptable!), I have learned to calm down a bit overall. Perfectionists are rarely happy, because the world is not exactly so, and there will always be conflicting ideas of what needs done. Perfectionism assumes a certain level of expectations. If you fall below them, you will be criticized; if you meet them (however ridiculously high they are), well, that's to be expected. There is no such thing as going above and beyond, because perfect is the limit, so do not act surprised when you are not complimented or thanked.
One memory that sticks with me pretty clearly is one day when I was a child, probably 8 or 9 years old, I decided to help my mom out while she was out of the house. I knew she didn't really like vacuuming, but with three kids, two dogs and a cat in the house, it was a chore that needed done on a pretty regular basis. So I dragged the vacuum out, hooked it all together (this was before upright, single-piece vacuums were common), and managed to get all three levels of the house done before she made it home from whatever errands she had that day. I even remembered to clean it out, rinse out the basin, and put the vacuum away, and was feeling pretty proud of myself.
A while later, mom comes home, walks in the door, and doesn't say a thing. If you've ever seen a kid with a secret or something they want you to notice, you'll have a pretty good idea of what I looked like. I wanted some sort of recognition for the effort that I'd put out, out of the goodness of my heart, and for her to see that I'd made such an effort without being told. I'm not very good at keeping that sort of thing inside though, so before she'd even had a chance to unload the groceries, I blurted out what I'd done, pointing out the clean floors and put-away vacuum, and stood there, waiting for the praise I was sure was coming. Without missing a beat, however, she pointed out that I'd missed the corners and baseboards, and it didn't matter that I'd gotten the carpets, because she would just have to drag it out again to cover the mistakes I'd made.
I was crushed. Her words, to me, said that I hadn't met her level of what should be, and so all the effort I'd put out was worthless. "Constructive criticism" when you're under ten years old doesn't really mean much, and since I'd opened the discussion before she'd even had a chance to relax, there wasn't much in the way of patience or caring in her voice. Objectively, I knew that she loved me and appreciated that I'd put the effort out, but emotionally, it made a pretty deep impression (obviously). Moreover, that set into motion two different attitudes towards life that dominated my thought patterns for a good long while. On the one hand, you'd better be a perfectionist, because that was the only way to make people proud/ happy/ appreciative. On the other hand, if you don't have it in you to do things absolutely perfectly, don't even bother. It won't be appreciated, and you'll have wasted the effort you did put out. It was all or nothing, no shades of grey.
As I learned later in life, however, not all people are this way, and those two philosophies are neither particularly healthy nor conducive to happiness in life. Finding non-perfectionist friends and acquaintances, having people around who appreciate the little kindnesses, and learning how much effort needs to be put into any particular project to produce the ideal result helped balance me out, and find a good medium to be in. It is completely possible to do things well and to the best of your current abilities and/ or motivation, just be realistic about the results. Also, being able to find self-happiness and -satisfaction in your work is one of the best places to be, although outside encouragement is always good.
It occurred to me the other day, as I was working out, that life in general is a perfectionist. If you do the right thing, be a good person, and generally life a decent life, you will not be rewarded overtly. If you go your entire life without breaking a single law, the only thing you will get is a lack of punishment. If you eat well, exercise, and stay healthy, the only thing you will get is your own health. The world does not give out rewards or recognition, it assumes you will meet a certain level of expectations. If you don't, you get punished; if you do, well, again, that's what is expected.
This, I think, is why support groups and social connections are necessary. It is hard to keep being proud of your own accomplishments forever- at some point, outside recognition is needed to continue. So we join clubs and groups, or share our goals and dreams with our friends, so that we can give and get the recognition we all need. If you're fighting with weight loss, and you hit a milestone, it is so much more satisfying and encouraging to be able to share that with someone, and hear "way to go!" instead of just having it passed unrecognized. I make a point to be encouraging to others, and to say thank you, even if it's just for the effort and thought that someone put out. Life isn't fair, but it isn't fair to all of us, and if I can make a difference for life being a stinky perfectionist just by saying thank you to someone.... guess what I'll be saying. Cheers!
One memory that sticks with me pretty clearly is one day when I was a child, probably 8 or 9 years old, I decided to help my mom out while she was out of the house. I knew she didn't really like vacuuming, but with three kids, two dogs and a cat in the house, it was a chore that needed done on a pretty regular basis. So I dragged the vacuum out, hooked it all together (this was before upright, single-piece vacuums were common), and managed to get all three levels of the house done before she made it home from whatever errands she had that day. I even remembered to clean it out, rinse out the basin, and put the vacuum away, and was feeling pretty proud of myself.
A while later, mom comes home, walks in the door, and doesn't say a thing. If you've ever seen a kid with a secret or something they want you to notice, you'll have a pretty good idea of what I looked like. I wanted some sort of recognition for the effort that I'd put out, out of the goodness of my heart, and for her to see that I'd made such an effort without being told. I'm not very good at keeping that sort of thing inside though, so before she'd even had a chance to unload the groceries, I blurted out what I'd done, pointing out the clean floors and put-away vacuum, and stood there, waiting for the praise I was sure was coming. Without missing a beat, however, she pointed out that I'd missed the corners and baseboards, and it didn't matter that I'd gotten the carpets, because she would just have to drag it out again to cover the mistakes I'd made.
I was crushed. Her words, to me, said that I hadn't met her level of what should be, and so all the effort I'd put out was worthless. "Constructive criticism" when you're under ten years old doesn't really mean much, and since I'd opened the discussion before she'd even had a chance to relax, there wasn't much in the way of patience or caring in her voice. Objectively, I knew that she loved me and appreciated that I'd put the effort out, but emotionally, it made a pretty deep impression (obviously). Moreover, that set into motion two different attitudes towards life that dominated my thought patterns for a good long while. On the one hand, you'd better be a perfectionist, because that was the only way to make people proud/ happy/ appreciative. On the other hand, if you don't have it in you to do things absolutely perfectly, don't even bother. It won't be appreciated, and you'll have wasted the effort you did put out. It was all or nothing, no shades of grey.
As I learned later in life, however, not all people are this way, and those two philosophies are neither particularly healthy nor conducive to happiness in life. Finding non-perfectionist friends and acquaintances, having people around who appreciate the little kindnesses, and learning how much effort needs to be put into any particular project to produce the ideal result helped balance me out, and find a good medium to be in. It is completely possible to do things well and to the best of your current abilities and/ or motivation, just be realistic about the results. Also, being able to find self-happiness and -satisfaction in your work is one of the best places to be, although outside encouragement is always good.
It occurred to me the other day, as I was working out, that life in general is a perfectionist. If you do the right thing, be a good person, and generally life a decent life, you will not be rewarded overtly. If you go your entire life without breaking a single law, the only thing you will get is a lack of punishment. If you eat well, exercise, and stay healthy, the only thing you will get is your own health. The world does not give out rewards or recognition, it assumes you will meet a certain level of expectations. If you don't, you get punished; if you do, well, again, that's what is expected.
This, I think, is why support groups and social connections are necessary. It is hard to keep being proud of your own accomplishments forever- at some point, outside recognition is needed to continue. So we join clubs and groups, or share our goals and dreams with our friends, so that we can give and get the recognition we all need. If you're fighting with weight loss, and you hit a milestone, it is so much more satisfying and encouraging to be able to share that with someone, and hear "way to go!" instead of just having it passed unrecognized. I make a point to be encouraging to others, and to say thank you, even if it's just for the effort and thought that someone put out. Life isn't fair, but it isn't fair to all of us, and if I can make a difference for life being a stinky perfectionist just by saying thank you to someone.... guess what I'll be saying. Cheers!
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