One of the things I am really bad at in life is deciding when to call things quits. As I've noted before, I will give people second, third, fourth, and even 108th chances sometimes. The first guy I ever dated was with me for eight years; every year I'd re-evaluate how things were going and convince myself that while things weren't great, they were at least improving, and someday (that mysterious someday), it would all work out. What finally ended that relationship, even after he cheated on me multiple times and almost drove me to bankruptcy when I was 20, was him declaring his love for my sister (who wanted nothing to do with all this), suggesting the three of us live together forever, and then accusing me of not being supportive of him and his desires.
Most of my friendships and relationships have ended that way, actually, with the other person royally screwing me over. Yet I can't really be mad at them (well, I can, but not justifiably), because I was the one that let things get that bad. Both of my best friends in both high schools I attended milked me for car rides and money, got jealous of my friendships with friends of both sexes, and one of them even left me holding a newly-signed lease that she decided she didn't want to honor because her boyfriend at the time hated me. If I had to tally up the amount of money I've loaned, given and forgiven (unpaid bills and the like) to friends and exes over the years, it would be in the tens of thousands.
Why do I do this? It probably goes back to my optimism and hope for humanity. I so want to believe that the people around me are decent human beings, and that maybe, just by getting a helping hand and a good example, they'll realize that they'd be happier by doing good and being responsible. When I actually write that down, it looks so stupid, but I still want to believe it. Because every so often, you find those good people who are willing to reciprocate decency, and that little flame of belief and optimism that's dwindled over the years springs back into life again.
So, overblown metaphor aside, where to draw the line? My first ex would constantly claim I was being selfish if I didn't give in to what he wanted. Throughout that entire eight years, nearly everything that I wanted to do for myself was me being selfish- including things like not getting on with his friends, not wanting to attend conventions he wanted to go to, not wanting to drive 400 miles for a weekend with an old girlfriend of his, wanting to check out my own cons/ stores/ hobbies/ etc. I'm not saying that I gave in every time, but hearing that over and over again got to be fairly wearing, and the lesson eventually sunk in, making it even harder for me to put my foot down.
Every time I do finally put my foot down on major issues, however, it does get easier. Facing down bankruptcy at twenty made me realize the importance of finances, and I demanded that my ex get a job and help with the bills. Sitting back and tallying up how much money I've thrown away on bad friends and exes throughout the years made me stop offering others financial help. Being asked to be in a polygamous relationship made me realize a whole slew of things that I am not willing to put up with when dating someone, and that's probably why my last relationship only lasted eight months, instead of eight years. I saw the same warning signs, and decided to call it when my concerns were brushed aside as selfishness again.
Now, I'm not saying anyone should just give up the minute things go wrong, not at all. I'm still pretty stubborn about making things work, but I've gotten a lot more selective about when to make the judgement call. If someone clearly doesn't care to help themselves or others around them, but instead places blame on everyone else (hey, this sounds familiar!), then yeah, they probably won't last long in my life. Helping people out is no longer synonymous with being used in my book, and hopefully I can keep the balance steady between selfless and self-protecting as time goes on. Cheers!
Most of my friendships and relationships have ended that way, actually, with the other person royally screwing me over. Yet I can't really be mad at them (well, I can, but not justifiably), because I was the one that let things get that bad. Both of my best friends in both high schools I attended milked me for car rides and money, got jealous of my friendships with friends of both sexes, and one of them even left me holding a newly-signed lease that she decided she didn't want to honor because her boyfriend at the time hated me. If I had to tally up the amount of money I've loaned, given and forgiven (unpaid bills and the like) to friends and exes over the years, it would be in the tens of thousands.
Why do I do this? It probably goes back to my optimism and hope for humanity. I so want to believe that the people around me are decent human beings, and that maybe, just by getting a helping hand and a good example, they'll realize that they'd be happier by doing good and being responsible. When I actually write that down, it looks so stupid, but I still want to believe it. Because every so often, you find those good people who are willing to reciprocate decency, and that little flame of belief and optimism that's dwindled over the years springs back into life again.
So, overblown metaphor aside, where to draw the line? My first ex would constantly claim I was being selfish if I didn't give in to what he wanted. Throughout that entire eight years, nearly everything that I wanted to do for myself was me being selfish- including things like not getting on with his friends, not wanting to attend conventions he wanted to go to, not wanting to drive 400 miles for a weekend with an old girlfriend of his, wanting to check out my own cons/ stores/ hobbies/ etc. I'm not saying that I gave in every time, but hearing that over and over again got to be fairly wearing, and the lesson eventually sunk in, making it even harder for me to put my foot down.
Every time I do finally put my foot down on major issues, however, it does get easier. Facing down bankruptcy at twenty made me realize the importance of finances, and I demanded that my ex get a job and help with the bills. Sitting back and tallying up how much money I've thrown away on bad friends and exes throughout the years made me stop offering others financial help. Being asked to be in a polygamous relationship made me realize a whole slew of things that I am not willing to put up with when dating someone, and that's probably why my last relationship only lasted eight months, instead of eight years. I saw the same warning signs, and decided to call it when my concerns were brushed aside as selfishness again.
Now, I'm not saying anyone should just give up the minute things go wrong, not at all. I'm still pretty stubborn about making things work, but I've gotten a lot more selective about when to make the judgement call. If someone clearly doesn't care to help themselves or others around them, but instead places blame on everyone else (hey, this sounds familiar!), then yeah, they probably won't last long in my life. Helping people out is no longer synonymous with being used in my book, and hopefully I can keep the balance steady between selfless and self-protecting as time goes on. Cheers!
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