When I was younger, my dad was in the Navy and we moved around every three years. While on the one hand, this was incredibly mind-opening, it also made keeping friends rather difficult, and I've never been very good at writing letters and staying in touch. I developed a rather lackadaisical attitude towards friendship, and assumed that, since I knew I had to accept our moves and get on with life, leaving my friends behind me, then they must know that as well, and they would forget me as soon as I moved away. The first time I actually moved back to a place I'd lived before, I was stunned that people actually remembered me and wanted to catch up.
Unfortunately, I've also had some pretty spectacular betrayals handed to me from friends I counted as my closest. Sometimes it was based on guys, sometimes it was based on money, but both of my "best friends" from the two high schools I attended ended up attacking me personally when I finally called them on their passive aggressive behavior, and another very close friend walked out and left me holding a newly-signed lease on my own. Between the distance that I assumed was part of friendship as a child, and the distance that I put between myself and others after multiple horrible endings, I've never really felt completely comfortable with the idea of friendship.
Something I've been thinking about quite a bit lately, however, is that there are multiple levels of friendship (yes, I know, duh, bear with me...). I'm a bit of a loner, and I've never been one for big groups of friends. So when I started college, and was suddenly on speaking terms with the majority of the people in each class, I wasn't really sure how to handle it. They obviously considered themselves my friends, but I didn't really feel that close to them- we hadn't spent time together outside of class and shared our goals and aspirations in life, so how could I really be connected to someone like that? My experiences had given me the titles "good friend" and "acquaintance," and left out a whole lot of grey area in the middle.
Another aspect of friendship that had escaped me for most of my life was the concept of reciprocity. Somehow, I picked up an over exaggerated concept of what I was supposed to do for those around me, and never bothered balancing it out with what others could do for me. When I was younger, this pretty much equated to my friends taking advantage of me until I got tired and called them on it (a bad habit, I know). Only in the last couple years, as I've found truly good people to be friends with, am I starting to realize that no, it's not just about me being there for them, they're there for me, too. And they still put up with me apologizing for not being a "perfect friend," what wonderful people.
So now I'm left sorting through shades of grey. There are still the true friends on the top end of the spectrum and those people that you have to be nice to, whether you want to or not (i.e. acquaintances"), but all those in the middle, those are hard to deal with! There's a level for people you like but don't see often, one for people you see a lot but wouldn't share secrets with, one for people you like but are in a hierarchy with (teachers, bosses, subordinates, etc).. how on earth can you figure out how much of your lives to share with these people or not?
Well, like everything else, trial and error. I've found out who my true friends are by being pushed to my limits, and seeing who's still standing once the dust is cleared. I've found who I can't trust by accidentally letting my pretty public facade slip and watching the recoil. As for the shades of grey in between, well, I'm still working on that. Sometimes it's by inadvertently offending someone when my levels are misaligned, but so far, I've kept the people I think are worth it nearby. Friendship isn't always easy, but like anything else of value, it's worth the work. Cheers!
Unfortunately, I've also had some pretty spectacular betrayals handed to me from friends I counted as my closest. Sometimes it was based on guys, sometimes it was based on money, but both of my "best friends" from the two high schools I attended ended up attacking me personally when I finally called them on their passive aggressive behavior, and another very close friend walked out and left me holding a newly-signed lease on my own. Between the distance that I assumed was part of friendship as a child, and the distance that I put between myself and others after multiple horrible endings, I've never really felt completely comfortable with the idea of friendship.
Something I've been thinking about quite a bit lately, however, is that there are multiple levels of friendship (yes, I know, duh, bear with me...). I'm a bit of a loner, and I've never been one for big groups of friends. So when I started college, and was suddenly on speaking terms with the majority of the people in each class, I wasn't really sure how to handle it. They obviously considered themselves my friends, but I didn't really feel that close to them- we hadn't spent time together outside of class and shared our goals and aspirations in life, so how could I really be connected to someone like that? My experiences had given me the titles "good friend" and "acquaintance," and left out a whole lot of grey area in the middle.
Another aspect of friendship that had escaped me for most of my life was the concept of reciprocity. Somehow, I picked up an over exaggerated concept of what I was supposed to do for those around me, and never bothered balancing it out with what others could do for me. When I was younger, this pretty much equated to my friends taking advantage of me until I got tired and called them on it (a bad habit, I know). Only in the last couple years, as I've found truly good people to be friends with, am I starting to realize that no, it's not just about me being there for them, they're there for me, too. And they still put up with me apologizing for not being a "perfect friend," what wonderful people.
So now I'm left sorting through shades of grey. There are still the true friends on the top end of the spectrum and those people that you have to be nice to, whether you want to or not (i.e. acquaintances"), but all those in the middle, those are hard to deal with! There's a level for people you like but don't see often, one for people you see a lot but wouldn't share secrets with, one for people you like but are in a hierarchy with (teachers, bosses, subordinates, etc).. how on earth can you figure out how much of your lives to share with these people or not?
Well, like everything else, trial and error. I've found out who my true friends are by being pushed to my limits, and seeing who's still standing once the dust is cleared. I've found who I can't trust by accidentally letting my pretty public facade slip and watching the recoil. As for the shades of grey in between, well, I'm still working on that. Sometimes it's by inadvertently offending someone when my levels are misaligned, but so far, I've kept the people I think are worth it nearby. Friendship isn't always easy, but like anything else of value, it's worth the work. Cheers!
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