FTP 19 - Waiting

     This will be the last FTP post for a while- actually, it will be the last regularly scheduled post at all for a the next two months. In case you didn't know, I left this morning for a seven week trip to see family and friends on the east coast, four weeks of which will be spent in Russia, studying the language and culture at the St. Petersburg University. I have no idea what the internet connection will be like, but when I can, I'll be posting updates about how that trip is going. With that in mind, here is the FTP for the week:

     For the last eight weeks, since finals were done, I have been sitting on my rear end, watching time go by. I had work (part-time, three days a week), and dance class (tuesday and thursday nights) to keep me occupied, but that left a huge chunk of my time completely unoccupied. While I did manage to keep from becoming a total layabout and gaming 16 hours a day, I didn't really feel like I accomplished terribly much, mostly because I didn't. My time was spent preparing for the next year or so of my life which, while necessary, isn't exactly exciting or fulfilling.

     But, starting today, my life is finally getting back on track. I have a fantastic opportunity to study Russian in situ, as it were, and hopefully get fed and not have a creepy roommate this time. Upon returning from this trip, I'll have one week before classes start (which should be fun, since I need to change some classes I'm signed up for, and you can't do that until that week prior!), and then try to find a way to keep my nose to the grindstone and soak up as much Russian as I can, while applying for jobs wherever possible. The goal is to have a job in place by the time I graduate, but we shall see.

     Throughout all this, I want to keep practicing Irish dance which has brought me so much fun and progress in life during the last four years. I also want to keep up on drawing (which I'm not good at) and writing (which I think I am), find a way to maintain proficiency in French (my second language), and continue to build a relationship with Angel (my man out in Maryland). I would love to find a way to add a third language in there, but I suspect that might be overdoing it a touch. So... busy things to look forward to in the next year!

     When you think about it though, that's what life is all about. It can't always be fun and games and getting things done, sometimes you have to slog through those boring times that just seem like planning and planning and planning. Yes, it feels like you're not getting anywhere. Yes, it's boring as sin, and quite thoroughly frustrating as you try to cover all those details. But once everything's in place, and you know things are covered (and that you can handle any emergencies that come up- because you can!), all you have to do is spread your wings and fly...

Come on, let's go. 

Be yourself

     I was recently going through some old documents I found from a decade or so ago and realized just how angry I was back then. At the time, I was with the first guy I ever dated- an eight-year mistake- and driving a tow truck in the Northern Virginia area. Much of what I wrote was concerning problems between my ex and I, but buried in the middle of a rather long rant, I came across this (cleaned up slightly from stream-of-consciousness rambling):

     I want to be refined, to put a classy spin on things, but just like being a female in the driving industry, it's hard to be classy when everyone around you is categorizing you and putting their own dreams and aspirations on you the moment they see you. I don't want to be an ideal, or a breakthrough in women's rights. I want to be able to do my job, and be treated like I'm trying to work, not like an object or a pioneer. It's almost worse with the women, because they see me and think, "Wow, that's someone who knows what she wants, and she didn't take any sh!t to go get it. I wish I could be like her." That's not how it was, though. I took sh!t- hell, I still do- for what I'm doing, but I'm not doing it for that. I'm doing it because I want to. That's it. There's a part of me that says "Hey, look, I'm just me, just an ordinary person. There's nothing I've done that anyone else couldn't do."

FTP 18 - Asking for help

     A number of years ago, my little sister and I came to the realization that we were totally unprepared for an apocalypse. We couldn't ride motorcycles, could shoot anything, and had no combat training. Having a history of randomly picking goals and going for them, we decided it was time to change that, but had no idea where to start. So we decided to take the simplest method and just ask for help.

     We literally looked up the local firing range, walked in there, and told the guy at the counter that we had no idea what we were doing, but wanted to learn. Despite looking like every "bad to the bone" stereotype out there, he was impressed at our honesty, and proceeded to spend an hour or so teaching us the basics. We went over range safety (of course), different styles of guns, different grips, different calibers, etc. He then let us take seven or eight guns back to the range and try firing each one until we found one that we liked, and we spent another hour or so improving our aim. By the time we walked out of there, we were reasonably confident in our abilities to pick up a gun and fend off some zombies.

     In a slightly different category, a couple months ago the lottery hit the highest jackpot ever- something like $360 million. Out of random curiosity, and just for the heck of it, I decided to pick up a ticket as well, the only problem being I had no idea how to do so. Once again, I simply admitted my complete ignorance, and the person behind the counter was more than happy to help walk me through it. I have done the same thing on topics like fashion, taking a motorcycle course, learning about new religions and philosophies, and many, many other things. 

     I will grant you that women probably have an advantage in this area, but honestly, I have found that if you just admit you don't know what to do, and ask nicely, people will almost always take the time to stop and help you. Decency and respect are nearly universal currency when it comes to getting other people's cooperation. It's worth making those a part of your daily habit when dealing with other people.

In a funk

Periodically in my life, this happens:

Without fail, this follows:

FTP 17 - Forgive yourself

     A lot of these thoughts to ponder have been about looking outward, giving a smile to people around you, treating others well, etc. While that is all very well and good, sometimes you have to realize that you are one of the people around you too. A lot of us carry things we beat ourselves up about, whether it's guilt, fear, or self-belittlement. Often, we've grown so accustomed to it that we don't even notice these things holding us back anymore, they're just a part of who we are.

     So my challenge to you today is this: think of something about yourself that you don't like, whether it's how you think you look in the mirror, that you're carrying a grudge because of a cruel (and probably incorrect) remark someone made about you, or that you didn't get to hang out with your grandpa as much as he wanted before he died. Take a step back, and really look at it. Is it healthy to hold on to? Is there something you can do to fix it, or would it be better to just let it go? Take another step back; what would you advise a friend if they came to you with this problem?

     It may be that you have some work to do to accept it, or make amends to yourself for holding on for so long. It may even be that you need to change an attitude, an outlook, or a destructive behavior in order to let go. But be honest, be kind, and forgive yourself. It will make such a difference in where you're going in life, I promise.

T minus 3 weeks

     This past Friday marked the three week point until I leave for the trip to the East coast and Russia, and it's slowly starting to hit me what exactly that means. As much as I complain that I'm bored, and I'm not working on my life goals right now, the last few weeks have been extremely restful, and have allowed me to focus on some things I've been ignoring, such as my attitude towards speaking Russian and my health goals. In just eighteen days, however, I will have much larger things to think about!

     Back in January, a friend from WoW got me started on a website to help lose weight and stay active. Between 2008 and 2010, I had gone from just over 200 lbs to 180 lbs, simply by cutting out sugar and snacks while I was gaming, but then I kinda got stuck at that weight. Irish dance was keeping me fairly fit, but I wasn't really paying that much attention to how much of certain things I was eating, and the fact that I wasn't really doing anything outside of Irish dance. When I started on this website though (www.myfitnesspal.com if you're interested), I got quite the wakeup call as to how much I was eating, and why I wasn't losing weight. In the last six months, I've lost a further ten pounds, and feel so much better, even to the point of not being out of breath at the end of some of our dances.

FTP 16 - Random acts of kindness

     Despite the fact that I live in a (very) low-income neighborhood, and most of my neighbors would probably get suspicious looks from the cops, I do my best to smile and wave at everyone I see here. While this does occasionally earn me whistles and catcalls, for the most part, people are very nice and smile and wave back. It is absolutely hilarious to see a group of bad-ass guys hanging out with their friends get embarrassed at first, then gradually just grin and return the favor.

     Last week, as I was taking the trash out to the dumpster, there was a guy walking along the sidewalk with an ice cream cart from a local company (we get lots of people selling fruit and stuff out of handcarts, first time I've seen ice cream though). One of the older gentlemen who always smiles and waves back was getting ice cream for his little daughter, and as I was walking past them, he turned, handed me an ice cream, and said, "From me, to you. You always have pretty smile." It was completely unexpected, but definitely made my day. It really is the little things in life that make the world a better place. 

Friendship

     When I was younger, my dad was in the Navy and we moved around every three years. While on the one hand, this was incredibly mind-opening, it also made keeping friends rather difficult, and I've never been very good at writing letters and staying in touch. I developed a rather lackadaisical attitude towards friendship, and assumed that, since I knew I had to accept our moves and get on with life, leaving my friends behind me, then they must know that as well, and they would forget me as soon as I moved away. The first time I actually moved back to a place I'd lived before, I was stunned that people actually remembered me and wanted to catch up.

     Unfortunately, I've also had some pretty spectacular betrayals handed to me from friends I counted as my closest. Sometimes it was based on guys, sometimes it was based on money, but both of my "best friends" from the two high schools I attended ended up attacking me personally when I finally called them  on their passive aggressive behavior, and another very close friend walked out and left me holding a newly-signed lease on my own. Between the distance that I assumed was part of friendship as a child, and the distance that I put between myself and others after multiple horrible endings, I've never really felt completely comfortable with the idea of friendship.

FTP 15 - Reactions to Murphy

     This week has been exceptionally crummy. Murphy was personally overseeing pretty much every aspect of it, from the database at work going down... again... to being both hungry and unenthused about food, to having bank issues, to getting incorrect store hours for a desperately needed transaction, to finally getting paperwork from the doctor for my visa application, only to have it be entirely not what I asked for. I have been in a funk for a good number of days, and was just slowly starting to get out of it on Thursday, a day I have Irish dance class, which is usually guaranteed to put me in a good mood. So I head out, feeling optimistic...

...I get to class, and it's 80+ degrees inside (no a/c in the building)...

...and the teacher has decided we need to do drills today...