Last year, at about this time, my older sister died while leading a group of climbers down from the summit of Denali, in Alaska. At the memorial, my younger sister and I both declined the opportunity to talk about her in front of everyone, mostly due to emotions being way too high. Now that some time has passed, though, I'd like to share a few stories, because that's what I do. (And just a warning, these aren't all the "oh she was so wonderful" stories... this is a sister's perspective, good and bad!)
Suz and I didn't really get along very well. We were only two years apart in age, and shared a lot of the same interests and hobbies when we were young, so it always felt like she didn't appreciate me tagging along, and I didn't like that everyone saw me in her shadow. Ultimately, we did talk this out, many years down the line, but suffice to say, we weren't on the best of terms while growing up. She was busy being the straight-A student, first flute in band, piccolo soloist in marching band, and setting the oldest daughter example. I was busy, well, playing with Morgana, our littlest sister, or reading, or ignoring homework, basically trying to figure myself out. Which, as I'm sure many of you can attest to, is difficult when everyone's asking, "why can't you be more like your older sister?"
Oddly enough, the few times we got along really well is when it was just the two of us, and that happened a lot more once she got her driver's license. One summer, when we lived in Virginia and she was home from college over break, she and I had to drive up to Connecticut for an orthodontist appointment. I was never really sure why we kept an orthodontist that was five states away, but whatever. She and I got up at something like four am and started the drive. There wasn't a whole lot of talking, since I'm not a morning person, but once I got a bit more coherent, she turned to me, while driving, and said, "I bet we could make the whole 400 miles without stopping once. What do you say?"
Well geez, what do you think I'd say? My older sister, who is always better at everything, just handed me a challenge that I can't sit in a car for eight hours? I looked her in the eye and said, "Betcha we can. Let's do it." She turned back to the road, then got a half-grin on her face, looked at me sidelong, and added, "if you're willing to not tell mom, I bet you we can make it there in less than eight hours, too." Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is something I could absolutely get behind. I tightened my seatbelt, gave her a grin, and we took off. There wasn't much said during that ride, but for once, the silence was companionable with a shared secret. (And we made it in six hours, I believe, without stopping.)
We didn't really share any interests once we were both out of school, though. She was into the outdoors and physical activity, I was into domestic hobbies like sewing and gardening. She was a vegetarian, I will eat pretty much anything but veggies. When she graduated college, she had picked up some pretty strong feminist views, and came after me for wanting to wear long skirts and keep my hair long. We argued over a huge array of topics, because that's how we were. Aside from feeling out our boundaries, however, she and I seemed to get along best in relative quiet. We talked, to be sure, but our phone calls were generally along the lines of "This is what I'm up to!" "Oh... that's... cool...? This is what I'm doing lately." "Hmm, I'm glad you enjoy that sort of thing...""Ok, well, ta!"
Even though we shared so little in life, we respected each other's decisions, and did our best to support each other. I loved getting letters and cards from all over the world, and she appreciated that I agreed to donate to nature charities in her name instead of buying her gifts for holidays. On a family trip to Hawai'i, she took Morgana and I down to the beach one night, and told us no one had lived until they'd been skinny dipping in an ocean. She collected our bathing suits and stood watch while we enjoyed connecting with nature. Mom and I decided to go visit her in Seattle one year, and, even though I hate straying far from the comforts of civilization, we went traipsing through the woods together- she told me stories about trees and stuff she'd picked up from being a guide, and I told her stories about medicinal folklore of the few plants I did know out there (I'm an east-coaster, not too familiar with west coast flora).
The last time that she came out to visit me was on a trip from India, I do believe, back to Washington State. She'd stopped in with friends in NY, and mom and dad in MD, then came through to spend a couple days with Morgana and me in CO. I treated her how we'd always gotten along- show the other person where things are, and then trust them to speak up if they needed something. She would get up in the morning before me and go out for a jog, then cook some horrible concoction of weirdness (once we accepted each other's diets, we just teased each other about them), and by the time she'd finished her meditation, I was usually awake and semi-coherent. We didn't really do much, just sat around and read, or let her get caught up on writing people and other little chores.
At the end of the three days though, as I was seeing her off at the airport, she gave me a hug and said thanks. I was going to shrug it off as no worries, but she looked very earnest. She was always on the go, she said, always meeting new people, reconnecting with old friends, staying over at people's houses, playing guest, etc, but (and especially after staying with our parents, who are nice people but very on-the-go), she said finding quiet time while not out in nature was pretty rare. One thing she always had appreciated about me, she continued, was that we could just be. Not talking, not doing things, but just relaxing and enjoying the knowledge that she could be completely at home, wherever it was.
To me, that's what family is, and while Suz and I may not have had the most "normal" sister relationship, it was awesome knowing that she was out there following her dreams. We were both cheerleaders for the other person's goals in life, even if the other person was playing a foreign sport on a different planet. And while it may sound silly, to me, she's still out there, hiking and biking and camel-riding, finding new places to go and people to meet... but she'll always have a home here if she needs it.
And at least now she doesn't have to worry about whether the water is safe...
 |
| Me, Suz, and mom in Seattle |
Suz and I didn't really get along very well. We were only two years apart in age, and shared a lot of the same interests and hobbies when we were young, so it always felt like she didn't appreciate me tagging along, and I didn't like that everyone saw me in her shadow. Ultimately, we did talk this out, many years down the line, but suffice to say, we weren't on the best of terms while growing up. She was busy being the straight-A student, first flute in band, piccolo soloist in marching band, and setting the oldest daughter example. I was busy, well, playing with Morgana, our littlest sister, or reading, or ignoring homework, basically trying to figure myself out. Which, as I'm sure many of you can attest to, is difficult when everyone's asking, "why can't you be more like your older sister?"
Oddly enough, the few times we got along really well is when it was just the two of us, and that happened a lot more once she got her driver's license. One summer, when we lived in Virginia and she was home from college over break, she and I had to drive up to Connecticut for an orthodontist appointment. I was never really sure why we kept an orthodontist that was five states away, but whatever. She and I got up at something like four am and started the drive. There wasn't a whole lot of talking, since I'm not a morning person, but once I got a bit more coherent, she turned to me, while driving, and said, "I bet we could make the whole 400 miles without stopping once. What do you say?"
 |
| That grin, that said "I bet we could...." |
Well geez, what do you think I'd say? My older sister, who is always better at everything, just handed me a challenge that I can't sit in a car for eight hours? I looked her in the eye and said, "Betcha we can. Let's do it." She turned back to the road, then got a half-grin on her face, looked at me sidelong, and added, "if you're willing to not tell mom, I bet you we can make it there in less than eight hours, too." Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is something I could absolutely get behind. I tightened my seatbelt, gave her a grin, and we took off. There wasn't much said during that ride, but for once, the silence was companionable with a shared secret. (And we made it in six hours, I believe, without stopping.)
We didn't really share any interests once we were both out of school, though. She was into the outdoors and physical activity, I was into domestic hobbies like sewing and gardening. She was a vegetarian, I will eat pretty much anything but veggies. When she graduated college, she had picked up some pretty strong feminist views, and came after me for wanting to wear long skirts and keep my hair long. We argued over a huge array of topics, because that's how we were. Aside from feeling out our boundaries, however, she and I seemed to get along best in relative quiet. We talked, to be sure, but our phone calls were generally along the lines of "This is what I'm up to!" "Oh... that's... cool...? This is what I'm doing lately." "Hmm, I'm glad you enjoy that sort of thing...""Ok, well, ta!"
 |
| Oh, you sew corsets for ren faires? Interesting.... Oh, you are traveling by camel through Morocco? Nice.... |
Even though we shared so little in life, we respected each other's decisions, and did our best to support each other. I loved getting letters and cards from all over the world, and she appreciated that I agreed to donate to nature charities in her name instead of buying her gifts for holidays. On a family trip to Hawai'i, she took Morgana and I down to the beach one night, and told us no one had lived until they'd been skinny dipping in an ocean. She collected our bathing suits and stood watch while we enjoyed connecting with nature. Mom and I decided to go visit her in Seattle one year, and, even though I hate straying far from the comforts of civilization, we went traipsing through the woods together- she told me stories about trees and stuff she'd picked up from being a guide, and I told her stories about medicinal folklore of the few plants I did know out there (I'm an east-coaster, not too familiar with west coast flora).
The last time that she came out to visit me was on a trip from India, I do believe, back to Washington State. She'd stopped in with friends in NY, and mom and dad in MD, then came through to spend a couple days with Morgana and me in CO. I treated her how we'd always gotten along- show the other person where things are, and then trust them to speak up if they needed something. She would get up in the morning before me and go out for a jog, then cook some horrible concoction of weirdness (once we accepted each other's diets, we just teased each other about them), and by the time she'd finished her meditation, I was usually awake and semi-coherent. We didn't really do much, just sat around and read, or let her get caught up on writing people and other little chores.
 |
| And hang out with sisters! Morgana, me, and Suz. |
At the end of the three days though, as I was seeing her off at the airport, she gave me a hug and said thanks. I was going to shrug it off as no worries, but she looked very earnest. She was always on the go, she said, always meeting new people, reconnecting with old friends, staying over at people's houses, playing guest, etc, but (and especially after staying with our parents, who are nice people but very on-the-go), she said finding quiet time while not out in nature was pretty rare. One thing she always had appreciated about me, she continued, was that we could just be. Not talking, not doing things, but just relaxing and enjoying the knowledge that she could be completely at home, wherever it was.
To me, that's what family is, and while Suz and I may not have had the most "normal" sister relationship, it was awesome knowing that she was out there following her dreams. We were both cheerleaders for the other person's goals in life, even if the other person was playing a foreign sport on a different planet. And while it may sound silly, to me, she's still out there, hiking and biking and camel-riding, finding new places to go and people to meet... but she'll always have a home here if she needs it.
And at least now she doesn't have to worry about whether the water is safe...
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