Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I quite simply told someone that I did not want to pursue the possibility of re-opening a friendship. As simple as it seems, this was quite possibly one of the hardest thing I'd done in my life. I don't like hurting people, so I usually end up hanging around until things reach absolute breaking point, and I just walk away from it all. In this case, however, I felt it best to step up and just be honest.
Brief background: I grew up as a military brat, so I never really had to deal with having people around who don't like how I grow and change. Every three years, there was a new batch of people, a chance to explore new things, and grow into a new person. While this does wonders for one's sense of adventure and willingness to accept different ideals, it leaves one slightly gimped in the area of how to deal with change-
both in other people and in how they deal with change in you. And honestly, most people don't like to see their friends change. I'm just as guilty of this as anyone- it's hard when you look at something you've gotten used to, and realize that it's been changing slowly over the years, but you didn't want to accept it, and now it's totally foreign.
I had known this particular friend for about 5-6 years, and we'd had our share of ups and downs. In a lot of ways we were complete opposites (clean vs messy, punctual vs chronically late, introvert vs extrovert, etc), and many of those drove us apart for a while, but we'd always managed to let it pass and be friends again. Many, many times. The last falling-out, however, I had no idea was coming and took me totally by surprise. I'm still not sure what happened, only that news I was excited about provoked a bad reaction, and I was told they needed time away, as they had been angry with me for months without my knowing it.
My first reaction, naturally, was anger; I think most people can relate when I say I prefer being told hard truths to pleasant lies. But the final line of communication caught my attention and made me stop and really think about things. The letter ended with something to the effect of, "I don't feel I'm an important part in your life right now, so we can just keep in touch on Facebook until I'm ready to see your face again." So many reactions to that went through my head: most of them negative. It really made me stop and think, and consider who really was important in my life, and why.
This person was interesting to be around, don't get me wrong, but it felt like there was always something melodramatic going on, or they needed me now for something they'd messed up on, or something came up and they couldn't follow through on plans that we'd made, etc. Not a bad things if you like living that way, but I don't. I like knowing that people are solid and secure in themselves, and do what they say they will do, so that I can rely on them the way I'd hope my friends feel they can rely on me. So I didn't reply, I didn't rock the boat, I just quietly... let them go.
I suppose I should have just written back and ended it there, but I have slight "out of sight, out of mind" tendencies. I gently extricated my life from theirs, and went on changing, growing, and living my life. Then this past week, I was contacted to see about going to a film showing (something I'm not terribly enthusiastic about), with a huge group of people (also not big on), as if nine months had not passed with no contact between us. Moreover, it was not my friend who did the contacting, but their significant other. Ouch. Seems kind of cold to me, but in retrospect, the entire situation was pretty far removed from a quality manners book, so I guess I can't complain too much.
Fortuitously, after some hemming and hawing, when I finally came out and said I had no interest in reviving that friendship, the s.o. simply accepted it with no hard feelings, and we wished each other well in our respective travels. While I realize this is not quite the same as flat-out telling the ex-friend that it was over, I feel that, since they felt their s.o. was a good line to use to re-open communication, it's only reasonable to assume that I can send my response via the same route.
So now, it's over. What I didn't expect was that it would feel quite so liberating. I don't dislike the person, I do wish them well, but ya know, I don't have to deal with it anymore. It's not drawing things out, it's not ignoring or pushing down resentment and frustration... Just a polite thank you, and move on. Scary as it was, I'm glad I did it, and maybe now I'll have to courage to do it again in the future if it becomes necessary. Cheers!
Brief background: I grew up as a military brat, so I never really had to deal with having people around who don't like how I grow and change. Every three years, there was a new batch of people, a chance to explore new things, and grow into a new person. While this does wonders for one's sense of adventure and willingness to accept different ideals, it leaves one slightly gimped in the area of how to deal with change-
both in other people and in how they deal with change in you. And honestly, most people don't like to see their friends change. I'm just as guilty of this as anyone- it's hard when you look at something you've gotten used to, and realize that it's been changing slowly over the years, but you didn't want to accept it, and now it's totally foreign.
I had known this particular friend for about 5-6 years, and we'd had our share of ups and downs. In a lot of ways we were complete opposites (clean vs messy, punctual vs chronically late, introvert vs extrovert, etc), and many of those drove us apart for a while, but we'd always managed to let it pass and be friends again. Many, many times. The last falling-out, however, I had no idea was coming and took me totally by surprise. I'm still not sure what happened, only that news I was excited about provoked a bad reaction, and I was told they needed time away, as they had been angry with me for months without my knowing it.
My first reaction, naturally, was anger; I think most people can relate when I say I prefer being told hard truths to pleasant lies. But the final line of communication caught my attention and made me stop and really think about things. The letter ended with something to the effect of, "I don't feel I'm an important part in your life right now, so we can just keep in touch on Facebook until I'm ready to see your face again." So many reactions to that went through my head: most of them negative. It really made me stop and think, and consider who really was important in my life, and why.
This person was interesting to be around, don't get me wrong, but it felt like there was always something melodramatic going on, or they needed me now for something they'd messed up on, or something came up and they couldn't follow through on plans that we'd made, etc. Not a bad things if you like living that way, but I don't. I like knowing that people are solid and secure in themselves, and do what they say they will do, so that I can rely on them the way I'd hope my friends feel they can rely on me. So I didn't reply, I didn't rock the boat, I just quietly... let them go.
I suppose I should have just written back and ended it there, but I have slight "out of sight, out of mind" tendencies. I gently extricated my life from theirs, and went on changing, growing, and living my life. Then this past week, I was contacted to see about going to a film showing (something I'm not terribly enthusiastic about), with a huge group of people (also not big on), as if nine months had not passed with no contact between us. Moreover, it was not my friend who did the contacting, but their significant other. Ouch. Seems kind of cold to me, but in retrospect, the entire situation was pretty far removed from a quality manners book, so I guess I can't complain too much.
Fortuitously, after some hemming and hawing, when I finally came out and said I had no interest in reviving that friendship, the s.o. simply accepted it with no hard feelings, and we wished each other well in our respective travels. While I realize this is not quite the same as flat-out telling the ex-friend that it was over, I feel that, since they felt their s.o. was a good line to use to re-open communication, it's only reasonable to assume that I can send my response via the same route.
So now, it's over. What I didn't expect was that it would feel quite so liberating. I don't dislike the person, I do wish them well, but ya know, I don't have to deal with it anymore. It's not drawing things out, it's not ignoring or pushing down resentment and frustration... Just a polite thank you, and move on. Scary as it was, I'm glad I did it, and maybe now I'll have to courage to do it again in the future if it becomes necessary. Cheers!
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