In Memory

     Last year, at about this time, my older sister died while leading a group of climbers down from the summit of Denali, in Alaska. At the memorial, my younger sister and I both declined the opportunity to talk about her in front of everyone, mostly due to emotions being way too high. Now that some time has passed, though, I'd like to share a few stories, because that's what I do. (And just a warning, these aren't all the "oh she was so wonderful" stories... this is a sister's perspective, good and bad!)

Me, Suz, and mom in Seattle

     Suz and I didn't really get along very well. We were only two years apart in age, and shared a lot of the same interests and hobbies when we were young, so it always felt like she didn't appreciate me tagging along, and I didn't like that everyone saw me in her shadow. Ultimately, we did talk this out, many years down the line, but suffice to say, we weren't on the best of terms while growing up. She was busy being the straight-A student, first flute in band, piccolo soloist in marching band, and setting the oldest daughter example. I was busy, well, playing with Morgana, our littlest sister, or reading, or ignoring homework, basically trying to figure myself out. Which, as I'm sure many of you can attest to, is difficult when everyone's asking, "why can't you be more like your older sister?"

FTP 14 - Knowing limits

Not all thoughts to be pondered are upbeat... here's one that's been on my mind for a while.

     When I was young, the lesson I picked up was "know your limits." As I got older, that lesson became "push your limits," which is understandable since you can't progress without going beyond that which you can already do. What bothers me, however, is that people seem to have forgotten that sometimes, just occasionally, there are limits that do not need to be pushed.

     What's even more annoying is that people don't seem to understand that distinction. I would not say I'm particularly a stick-in-the-mud, and if something is pointed out to me, I will give it due consideration before saying yea or nay to trying it. Therefore, if I say no thank you, I'll pass, there's probably a darn good reason for it, and leave me alone. I will try new foods/ drinks/ etc, so long as they are a) legal, and b) not vegetables. I will go new places, see new things, push a little harder to be a little better, etc. But when I can feel that pushing a little more will cause extremely negative side effects, trust me when I say no.

     I will not walk to the next monument to see another statue when I know it will ruin my knee for the next two days. I will not try this new drink that trust me, yes, I can taste the alcohol in, when I'm the only sober one here. I will not loosen up and just try it where no one will see... because that will be the one time that someone does see, and it will be a cop. I will not register for a competition, because I know it will ruin my love of dance by making me more competitive, and I will hate life after driving 90 miles at 8am to reach it. Trust me, really, I know what I'm doing. And I know when to call it quits. Respect that in me, respect that in yourself. It's ok to not push all the time. Really.

The countdown begins

     This past Friday marked the six week point until I leave on vacation/ the trip to Russia. In general terms this is not particularly important, but for me, six weeks is the point at which things become real. And unfortunately, the current situation means that things also become worrisome.

Yeah, that's about how I feel.

     Everyone has some sort of calendar in their heads, used to keep track of what's going on and when. Some people are better at this than others, though the prevalence of technology has made this less important than in the past. My calendar is broken down into, roughly, a weekly basis: this week and next week, "soon" (i.e., within the next six weeks or so), and "eventually" (more than six weeks out). If something definitely will happen that is in the "eventually" section, I put it on my calendar with an alert, because I know I will forget about it before it happens.

FTP 13 - Get up and...

     Of course, sometimes it also helps to have someone around to give that starter kick. This week has not been the best for me, until Angel suggested I go work on a friend's yard, where I have a garden and am doing minor landscaping. Suddenly, the week looks a lot better. You're still the one who has to get up and do it though. Come on, you know you'll feel better once you do. 

Perfectionism and 'thank you's

     Have you ever been around a perfectionist? Once of those people who have to have everything just so, and have to be always on top of things, always on time, always exactly the way the think it should be? While I do have perfectionist leanings (what, my GPA is 3.8??? Unacceptable!), I have learned to calm down a bit overall. Perfectionists are rarely happy, because the world is not exactly so, and there will always be conflicting ideas of what needs done. Perfectionism assumes a certain level of expectations. If you fall below them, you will be criticized; if you meet them (however ridiculously high they are), well, that's to be expected. There is no such thing as going above and beyond, because perfect is the limit, so do not act surprised when you are not complimented or thanked.

     One memory that sticks with me pretty clearly is one day when I was a child, probably 8 or 9 years old, I decided to help my mom out while she was out of the house. I knew she didn't really like vacuuming, but with three kids, two dogs and a cat in the house, it was a chore that needed done on a pretty regular basis. So I dragged the vacuum out, hooked it all together (this was before upright, single-piece vacuums were common), and managed to get all three levels of the house done before she made it home from whatever errands she had that day. I even remembered to clean it out, rinse out the basin, and put the vacuum away, and was feeling pretty proud of myself.

FTP 12 - Endurance

     This week saw the last of finals for me, and the first of seven weeks of nothing to do (well, other than work and dance). In the past, I have usually managed to survive this by being productive for the first week, then getting bored with everything and whining to everyone who will listen to me about how I have nothing to do. Almost a year, ago, however, I found this quote from More Notes from the Universe, drew it out, and hung in on my wall:

     At the time, I thought it was referring to some of the bad feelings I'd been hanging onto from past experiences, and focussed on getting them dealt with and set aside. I'm thinking it's time to apply it to other habits though, such as the "I don't have an immediate goal that furthers my life's plan, so I will become bored and whiny" one that I've had for so long. What about you, what would you like to change?

I am.

     I am a liar: I tell myself I can make it through things when I don't believe I can.

     I am a cheater: I have seen enough to know that things will go right, so I can worry less.

     I am a thief: I do my utmost to steal doubt and worry from those around me.

     I am lazy: I do things right the first time, so I don't have to do them again.

     I am mean: I don't let people I know wallow in pain or misery.

     I am unsupportive: I refuse to allow people to continue self-destructive patterns.

FTP 11 - Future vs now

     Have you ever been driving along, thinking about something else entirely, and suddenly realized what a beautiful day it is? How on earth did you drive that far without noticing that? You were probably only paying nominal attention to what was going on around you, because you were busy thinking about what needed done when you got to where you were going, or making a list of things you need to do this weekend, or planning ahead for some event that's coming up. Which is totally understandable- we all do that, and you have to plan for the future, right?

     Well, yes and no. While it's great to be prepared in life, it's also really easy to let 'right now' slip away while you're busy thinking about the future. Sure, driving is boring and repetitive, but I've seen people let the weekend, vacations, even whole years pass them by without a single moment of relaxation or appreciation, because they're too focused on what's next. So take a moment to step back every now and then, and look at what is, not just what will be. Live your own life, not your future self's life. Cheers!