#Metoo

     When the #Metoo hashtag started trending, I didn't copy it at first, for a couple reasons. Unfortunately, in bringing awareness to the problem, it's also brought my awareness back to my own experiences, which I thought I'd dealt with and put away. Perhaps those feelings of shame and anger and self-loathing - both immediately after it happened and years later, asking myself why I didn't stand up for myself at the time - will never really go away, I'll just be able to forget them from time to time.

     Anyway, one of the problems with talking about it, as someone who's experienced it, is the fear of reaction. I'm sure it's incomplete, but here are some possible responses:

• Disbelief: will they even believe me? 
• Dismissal: "That was just one instance." As if that makes it okay.
• Justification/ victim-blaming: "I'm sure there's more to it than you're saying - were you drunk, or wearing a short skirt? Were you flirting with him?"
• Avoidance: "Well, not all men do it, there are good men out there, too!" Agreed. But I had to deal with one of the bad ones, and nothing is being done to stop them.
• Pity: Being relegated to being "A Victim," and watching a friend/coworker/boss/whatever treat you differently because you're not a friend/coworker/employee - you're A Victim.

     The biggest thing that keeps me from saying anything, even today when the topic came up at work, is that I don't want the above reactions, but I'm honestly not sure what a positive reaction would be. A friend on facebook posted that his feed was flooded with the hashtag, and he didn't realize it was so pervasive; he didn't know what to say, so he put #ibelieveyou. Just reading that - words on a screen, that someone realized it's an issue and needs worked on - brought me to tears. Because someone believed. Because someone cared. Because things might actually change and fewer people will have to deal with it in the future. 

     Now imagine if someone said that in person, at work, and a coworker started crying. You'd look at them differently, wouldn't you? And that's with a positive response. See why we don't say anything?