I've been reading a book titled Influence: The psychology of persuasion by Robert Cialdini lately, about various methods by which people - typically unscrupulous ones - get us to agree to do or buy something we didn't initially want to do or buy. I wouldn't classify myself as a pushover, per se, but I do have a tendency to give people too many chances to make my life difficult and I figured this would hep me to at least be aware of when I fall for fallacious entreaties.
While I'm only about halfway through the book, it has already been eye-opening and informative. One section talks about what the author calls the fallacy of pluralism: nobody wants to appear flustered or at a loss, so we constantly side-eye what others are doing and take our social cues from what seems to be the status quo. In most cases, this is perfectly fine: you can judge how to interact with a new ticket counter by how others approach it, or that a clown getting in your personal space at a work party is funny rather than something to be offended at, that sort of thing.
The dark side of this is when something bad happens in public and no one wants to get involved, because surely - surely - someone else has called the authorities/ will step up and do something about it, thus I don't have to. Everyone else is averting their eyes from the child being beaten by its drunk parent; I should do the same. Another problem with this tendency comes when it is actively used against you, and you don't realize it. How often do commercials use some form of "everyone is doing it" or "9 out of 10 [whatever]s agree this is the best" type message? That's the fallacy of pluralism at work, convincing you to buy or do something you wouldn't necessarily have bought or done, otherwise.
In the past, I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy and the impostor syndrome, especially when facing tough decisions that would likely alter the trajectory of my life. Unsure of my own choices, I would seek out advice from people I either knew well or knew had gone through similar situations, then compare all the answers I got and use that information to influence my decisions. While there is merit in gathering information and making an informed decision, self-doubt, dithering, and mental paralysis in the face of personal responsibility is not a particularly useful trait.
On a related note, I've been wondering lately how it is that, as kids/ teens, conversations with ones peers can go on for hours; as I've aged, my desire to discuss my personal actions has waned significantly. My theory is that it's a way of establishing those social norms, even if just within your selected group. As you get older and know the accepted norms, but either choose to make you own path or feel confident that you can adhere to them, the need to discuss and come to a consensus about a norm on a new situation decreases. Perhaps that's just me, though.
Regardless of my theory, I was recently confronted with a messy interpersonal situation and it took me by surprise because I realized that I didn't care what other people thought. I had no desire to ask people's opinions about what they would do or how they would handle it because I already knew the outcome I wanted, why I wanted that, and that my decision was based on my personal moral compass. Moreover, I realized that I was confident enough in my own skills and abilities to deal with it... and I did. There may, later, be unintended consequences of my actions, but I am comfortable in owning them and facing up to any mistakes I have made.
That's a rather nice feeling, to realize how far you have come.
While I'm only about halfway through the book, it has already been eye-opening and informative. One section talks about what the author calls the fallacy of pluralism: nobody wants to appear flustered or at a loss, so we constantly side-eye what others are doing and take our social cues from what seems to be the status quo. In most cases, this is perfectly fine: you can judge how to interact with a new ticket counter by how others approach it, or that a clown getting in your personal space at a work party is funny rather than something to be offended at, that sort of thing.
The dark side of this is when something bad happens in public and no one wants to get involved, because surely - surely - someone else has called the authorities/ will step up and do something about it, thus I don't have to. Everyone else is averting their eyes from the child being beaten by its drunk parent; I should do the same. Another problem with this tendency comes when it is actively used against you, and you don't realize it. How often do commercials use some form of "everyone is doing it" or "9 out of 10 [whatever]s agree this is the best" type message? That's the fallacy of pluralism at work, convincing you to buy or do something you wouldn't necessarily have bought or done, otherwise.
In the past, I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy and the impostor syndrome, especially when facing tough decisions that would likely alter the trajectory of my life. Unsure of my own choices, I would seek out advice from people I either knew well or knew had gone through similar situations, then compare all the answers I got and use that information to influence my decisions. While there is merit in gathering information and making an informed decision, self-doubt, dithering, and mental paralysis in the face of personal responsibility is not a particularly useful trait.
On a related note, I've been wondering lately how it is that, as kids/ teens, conversations with ones peers can go on for hours; as I've aged, my desire to discuss my personal actions has waned significantly. My theory is that it's a way of establishing those social norms, even if just within your selected group. As you get older and know the accepted norms, but either choose to make you own path or feel confident that you can adhere to them, the need to discuss and come to a consensus about a norm on a new situation decreases. Perhaps that's just me, though.
Regardless of my theory, I was recently confronted with a messy interpersonal situation and it took me by surprise because I realized that I didn't care what other people thought. I had no desire to ask people's opinions about what they would do or how they would handle it because I already knew the outcome I wanted, why I wanted that, and that my decision was based on my personal moral compass. Moreover, I realized that I was confident enough in my own skills and abilities to deal with it... and I did. There may, later, be unintended consequences of my actions, but I am comfortable in owning them and facing up to any mistakes I have made.
That's a rather nice feeling, to realize how far you have come.
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