Gaslighting recovery

     If you're not familiar with the phrase gaslighting (lucky you), it's a psychological control mechanism where the controller makes the victim doubt their own perception/ memory/ judgement, so the victim comes to rely on the controller's version of reality - to their own detriment. I ran into this phrase toward the end of my first relationship, in my mid-20s, and realized I'd fallen into it. There were too many occasions to count where I'd get upset because he didn't do something he said he would - or did something he said he wouldn't - and he'd convince me I was wrong, that never happened, we never agreed to that, whatever... and now he was hurt because I came at him with false accusations. It had been going on for so long that I inevitably backed down, apologized, and internalized that I had a terrible memory.

     Eventually, he made a mistake and tried to tell me I was wrong about something I had an outside witness to; that and some other occurrences gave me the strength to get him out of my life, but I carried that now-familiar doubt of my own memory into other relationships, and fell back into the same trap. Even as I went through my BA and got solid grades while working part-time, I still believed I had a horrible memory - my brain never picked up on the doublethink there.

     I finally started questioning and rejecting that self-doubt when a couple things coincided: my gentleman has pointed out several times that I'm pretty good at keeping mental lists of things, and the concept of "mental load" became vocalized and acceptable to talk about in public (somewhat, but that's another topic). It's taken a couple years, and finishing an MS with great grades while working full-time, but I've gotten to the point where I no longer doubt my memory or interpretation of reality.

Well... much...

"Mission critical" vs "linchpin"

     I did not realize how important my little "assistant admin/ executive assistant" job was until we all had to work from home. I do a lot of jobs, most of which boil down into organizing, communication, and research. Which are all things that anyone can do, right? 

     Apparently not. Gonna keep it vague, but there's a payment system in place that, to people not in my department (and apparently everyone but me in my department), looks like this:

1. Contractor sends in a bunch of files asking for payment. 
2. I save them, put the info into a spreadsheet for easier comparison, send to John (not real name).
3. John reviews it to be sure they're only getting paid for work done, sends to Accounting. 
4. Accounting enters it into the system, sends it to Greg (not real name - my and John's boss, head of our department) for approval. 
5. Greg approves it, Accounting cuts the check, Contractor gets paid, yay!

 Seems pretty simple, right? Here's a bit more detail: