Gratitude to myself

     I've debated writing here again so many times, and each time I thought how much work it took to write and draw each post here, and decided other things in life took priority. Also, looking back, I feel like a good chunk of this blog was trying to explain myself and/or write to make others happy, neither of which I want to do now. So to anyone reading this, or maybe just to myself, things before/after now have changed. Without further ado, here's what prompted me to resume:

     When I was young, I decided I wanted to grow old gracefully, and develop smile lines instead of frown lines. There are times I've fallen into fear of aging, fear of no longer being attractive, but the more I meet other older people with crows feet and big grins, the less I worry about those things. I am so grateful I made the decision to be happy, and worked hard to be where I am today. 

Plans

I wish there were a way to communicate the feeling when the words stop. When the constant turmoil of seeing, comparing, judging, assessing, planning, and noting for later just fades away, and nothing matters but the moment. Plans were made to bring me to this place. Obstacles arose, were assessed, and were overcome – or the plan was modified – so I could keep moving forward. Deviations from the plan were noted and accounted for. Research finished, knowledge assimilated, tweaks and redesigns slid into place. After interminable hours, weeks, years of constantly herding a million aspects of a plan into place – distractible cats that move at different speeds, or can only get started after other cats are done – the papers are signed, the hubbub is done, everyone leaves, and I want becomes I am. 

It doesn’t last long. Sometimes it’s interrupted by glee: that an impossible plan actually worked. Sometimes it morphs into space for long-denied emotions, releasing pent-up tears or pain so that healing can start. Sometimes it becomes a re-ordering of reality, fitting the new piece into a foundation that will support larger plans, and the brain is off again, making lists of new research, assessments, and things to consider. But the memory of that moment, that beautiful, silent, balanced moment when struggle unfolds quietly into accomplishment, is worth everything that went into it. 

Luck and Hard Work

      "Oh, they just got lucky, they didn't earn that."

      "That person put a lot of hard work in, they deserve it!"

Personal two cents, the truth is often somewhere in between. 

Thumbkin rhyme

      Randomly, my brain started singing the children's rhyme "Where is Thumbkin" the other day. There wasn't anything particularly pressing, so I sang it all the way through. If you don't remember it:

This is then repeated with the pointer, middle, ring, and pinkie fingers, each one bowing or nodding to each other on both hands.

     It occurred to me that this was more than just a children's rhyme to identify fingers - it was a story of how to properly check in on your introvert friends. The singer goes looking for their friends, says hello and how are you politely, and then leaves them alone because that's what introverts need! 

     Or maybe it's just a children's rhyme...

Peace

      She took a final look around the house and nodded, satisfied everything was in order. The laundry was done, folded, and tucked away. Every surface had been cleaned, and the trash bags put out on the curb. The fridge and cupboards were stocked with basic items, but nothing perishable was out. It had been a long, hard day of cleaning, and she was tired, but pleased. She stepped out the front door, locked it, and slipped the key under the doormat, then turned and walked to the road. She looked both ways before crossing, chuckling at herself for being so cautious on a quiet, residential street. 

     A five-minute walk brought her to the edge of the neighborhood, where the forest began. A walking trail, well-used, continued off the end of the cul-de-sac. She'd walked this trail many times, keeping fit as she aged, and she reminisced about the neighbors she'd met and gotten close to on the path. It was a popular route for introverts to wander, and she'd had many good, quiet conversations here with people who needed a non-judgmental ear to sort out their thoughts.